Joke Time

NARS: doc, bat tinanggihan nyo yung pasyente?
DR: alin, yung bakla?
NARS: opo. Baka sabihin namimili tayo, porket bading siya.
DR: ano naman raraspahin ko sa kanya?

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FROG: what does my future hold?
FAIRY: you'll meet someone who wants to know everything about you.
FROG: great! Will I meet her in a party?
FAIRY: no. in biology class

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things you don't want to hear during your own surgery:
-san yung gunting na bago? Bat may kalawang to?
-10ml? may nakasurvive na ba dyan? Sabi ko 5ml lang!
-doc, ubos na po pala yung anesthesia.
-kanina pa bukas yung tiyan, asan yung pantahi?
-sunog! Sunog! Labas lahat!

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inspiring quote of the day:
"hindi ako tamad. Hindi ko lang alam kung saan ko ibubuhos kasipagan ko."

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BOY: I know we are also matter we can't occupy the same space at the same time. Kaya aalis na lang ako.
GIRL: bakit ganun para tayong mga parallel lines, why can't we meet at the same point?
BOY: your verbs and actions are not correct that's why all of the subjects are affected.
GIRL: ayoko na. you've reached my boiling point. And now my heart is getting to its freezing point!

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'dear te, dear te, dear te!!!'
-sigaw ni Anabel Rama kay Lorin at Veniz (mga anak ni Rofa) habang naglalaro ng tobig sa kanal.

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MRS: hon, am I pretty or ugly?
MR: uhm.. both..
MRS: anong both? Pwedeng pretty and ugly?
MR: ang ibig ko sabihin, you're pretty ugly.

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TEACHER: okay class our lesson for today is science. What is science?
PEDRO: ako ma'am! Ako ma'am!
TEACHER: okay Pedro, what is science?
PEDRO: science is our lesson for today.

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AMO: inday, paalisin mo nga yung pulubi sa labas ng bahay.
(nilabas ni Inday)
INDAY: off you go! Under no circumstance this house would relent to such unabashed display of vagrant destitution!
PULUBI: oh! I'm so ashamed! Such a mansion of social climbing freaks!
(nakakuha na ng katapat si Inday!)
NOSEBLEED!!! .hehehe

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BOB: nakakamagkano ka sa 1 araw?
PULUBI: nag-uumpisa kasi ako ng 8am. Ngayon 9am na. naka 80 na ko.
BOB: hindi din masama noh? Ano mabibili mo niyan?
PULUBI: pwede na tong isang espresso macchiato sa starbucks!

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DOC: umubo ka!
PEDRO: ho! Ho! Ho!
DOC: ubo pa!
PEDRO: ho! Ho! Ho!
DOC: okay.
PEDRO: ano po ba sakit ko doc?
DOC: may ubo ka.

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TRIVIA: do you know how they make rubber gloves in China ?
Workers deep their hands into melted latex, then air-dry them.
Now guess how they make condoms?

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Why God invented menopause:
Once upon a time, a 70 year old woman gave birth.
BISITA: pwedeng makita ang baby mo?
MOM: mamaya na.
30 minutes after.
BISITA: pwede na bang makita?
MOM: oo, pero hintay muna tayo na umiyak kasi nakalimutan ko kung saan ko linagay.

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in a miss gay pageant:
HOST: how can we uplift our economy today even though we are under economic crisis?
BAKLA: (namutla) mga bakla! Akala ko ba miss gay ito? Quizbee pala!

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Sexy girl nagkukumpisal:
PARI: iha, ano ang iyong ikukumpisal?
SEXY: father, pag nakakarinig po ako ng lalaking nagmumura di ko mapigilan sarili ko na yayain siya magsex!
PARI: 'tang ina! Di nga?

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TEACHER: ano ang pambansang ibon?
BOY: chicken?
TEACHER: hindi! kulay brown ito!
BOY: fried chicken!
TEACHER: hindi! mas maliit ito sa chicken.
BOY: knorr chicken cubes!
TEACHER: get out!

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when your lips are silent and your eyes are closed and your ears are deaf. It only means one thing. May discount ka sa jeep. Disabled ka 'tol, disabled!

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The Philippine presidents flying in a plane.
GMA: what if I throw a check for a million pesos out the window to make at least 1 Filipino happy?
CORY: but my dear, why don't you throw 2 checks for half a million each and thus make 2 Filipinos happy?
RAMOS: why not throw four checks for a quarter of a million each and make four Filipinos happy?
And on it went until finally, Erap blurts out:
"but madam president, why not simply throw yourself out of the window and make all the Filipinos happy?"

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a great example of globalization: princess Diana, a Welsh princess with an Egyptian fiancé, crashed in a French tunnel while riding in a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, chased by Italian paparazzis on Japanese big bikes. An American doctor tried to save them using Brazilian meds. This message was made by a Filipino on a Finnish Nokia phone smuggled from China by a Pakistani based in Quiapo.

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1. Trulalu.
2. eklavu
3. eklavu.
4. trulalu
5. eklavu
6. trulalu
7. trulalu.
8. eklavu
9. trulalu
10. trulalu
-batang bading nagsasagot ng true or false na quiz.

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MEKANIKO: sir, hindi ko po naayos preno ng kotse niyo.
CUSTOMER: ha?! Pano yan?
MEKANIKO: nilakasan ko na lang po ang inyong busina! Happy trip na lang po!

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kung nag GAY LANGUAGE sana sila GMA at GARCI eh di walang SCAM!

GMA: hallow gracia!
GARCI: uy mother ever! Na chenilyn de kimberlyn ko na po yung mga chuva eke k.
GMA: bonggacious! Eh yung mga chenes chenes, carry na ba?
GARCI: flatshoes! Winnie santos mama, wiz na wori eclavou na ever! Na chorva na!
GMA: ang tarushki! Maldita ka talaga vruha ka! Eh di windra na naman watashi?!
GARCI: anufi ate.
GMA: oshah ba.

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Divorced father: anak pag-uwi mo bigay mo sa nanay mo itong cheke at sabihin mo 18 yrs old ka na, huling cheke na makukuha niya for child support tapos tignan mo kung ano ang expression ng face niya.
Anak: mom, sabi ni dad bigay ko daw sayo itong cheke, last support na niya ito sakin kasi 18 na ako. Pagkatapos tignan ko daw expression ng face mo.
Mom: sa susunod na pagbisita mo sa kanya paki sabi salamat sa suporta kahit di mo siya tatay! Pagkatapos tignan mo expression ng face niya!

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BOY: dad, tulong naman sa assignment ko. Find the least common denominator daw.
DAD: ha? aba'y elementary pa lang ako eh hinahanap na nila yan ah! Aba'y di pa ba nila nakikita?

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Anong sabi ng centipede nung may nakasalubong siyang isang centipede?
"uy pare. Apir!apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!.... ......

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eto ang banat na malupet.
GUY: miss, pinaglihi ka ba sa inidoro?
GIRL: bakit?
GUY: kasi ako pinaglihi sa tae. Nung nakita kita, di ko mapigilang mahulog!

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pen pen de chorvaloo de kemerloo de eklavoo, hao hao de chenelyn de big uten. Sifit dapat iipit, goldness filak chumuchorva sa tabi ng chenes! Shoyang ang fula, talong na fula, shoyang ang fute, talong na mafute, chuk chak chenes namo ek ek.
-yan na naman ang mga batang bading! Ayaw paawat!

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BOY1: nkakakawa naman lola mo.
BOY2: bakit?
BOY1: nakasabay ko kasi magsimba nung isang araw, ubo ng ubo. Pinagtitinginan nga ng tao.
BOY2: papansin lang yun!
BOY1: bakit?
BOY2: bago kasi blouse niya!

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a boss confused about his Math asked his secretary:
If I give you P3M less 17%, how much would you take off?
SECRETARY: everything sir! Dress, bra, panty!

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TEACHER: mga bata, alam niyo ba na ang bawat butil ng palay ay galing sa dugo't pawis ng mga magsasaka?
MGA BATA: eeewwww!

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BOY: is this your first time?
GIRL: (angrily) oo naman noh. You guys talaga. So kuleeet! Always asking me the same question. Paulit-ulit. Hmp!

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magsyota sa motel.
BF: alam mo love, ikaw ang first girl na dinala ko dito.
GF: sinungaling. Sabi nila lagi ka dito!
BF: oo, pero ikaw lang talaga ang girl!

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STUDENT: ma'am, pagagalitan niyo po ba ako sa bagay na hindi ko naman ginawa?
TEACHER: natural hindi.
STUDENT: good, di ko po ginawa assignment ko!

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PARI: halika sa sulok
MADRE: bakit po?
PARI: sara mo pinto.
MADRE: wag po!
PARI: patayin mo ilaw!
MADRE: diyos ko po!
PARI: tamo rosary ko. Glow in the dark!

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why was white chocolate invented? So little black kids could have dirty faces too!

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isang araw sa may tindahan.
PULUBI: palimos po.
TINDERO: wala po, patawad.
PULUBI: sige na po, kahit magkano.
TINDERO: sya sige! Eto, dos.
PULUBI: salamat po ng marami. Isang Malboro nga po, yung menthol.

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TITSER: bat ka na-late?
EDWARD: nawalan ho kasi ng 500 yung lalaki.
TITSER: tinulungan mo siyang maghanap?
EDWARD: hindi po, tinapakan ko lang hanggang umalis siya.

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sa kasalan
PARI: sana ang donation mo ay katumbas ng ganda ng pakakasalan mo.
GROOM: eto P5, father.
Tinignan ng pari ang bride.
PARI: eto P4 sukli mo iho.

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sabi nung friend ko, nakakalaki daw ng tiyan ang beer. Kasi noon minsan nalasing siya, nabuntis siya!

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a thirsty city girl went to a barrio
GIRL: where galling your water manong?
MATANDA: sa ilog ineng.
GIRL: ha? You drink that water manong?
MATANDA: duhhh! Why, sa syudad ba chine-chew?

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DEATH of MR.BEAN'S MOTHER
Mr Bean: (crying) the doctor just called up, my mom's dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend.
(after 2 minutes, Mr. Bean cries even louder.)
Friend: what now, Mr. Bean?
Mr Bean: my sister just called. Her mom died too.

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NOEL: ipapangalan ko sa aking anak " LEON " baliktad ng Noel.
NINO: sa akin ONIN baliktad ng NINO.
TOTO: wag niyo akong maisali-sali dyan sa usapan niyo!

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Sinoli ni Erap ang libro sa library.
ERAP: sobrang dami ng characters wala naman storya.
LIBRARIAN: kayo pala kumuha ng telephone directory namin!

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JAIME ZOBEL DE AYALA: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Spanish.
HENRY SY: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Chinese.
LITO ATIENZA: 1/2 Hawaiian, 1/2 Polo.
MIKE ARROYO: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 pork.
JOHN OSMENA: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Pinay.
PROSPERO PICHAY: 1/2 Unggoy, 1/2 gulay.
GMA: 1/2 ... only.

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MR: hon promise simula ngayon, iiwan ko na ang mga kabit ko.
MRS: wow. Thank you love. Ako naman, I promise, ang susunod nating anak, ikaw na ang ama. Promise talaga.

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NUN: mother! I was raped. What shall I do?
Mother SUPERIOR: here, take this calamansi.
NUN: will this ease the pain?
Mother SUPERIOR: sipsipin mo! Nang mawala ngiti sa mukha mo, gaga!

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SA OSPITAL.....
WIFE: hon, nahirapan ako huminga.
HUSBAND: kung nahirapan ka ng huminga, itigil mo na.

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ATE: pabili ng pilis.
TINDERA: ano po?
A: pilis po!
T: ha? Dilis?
A: pilis po.
T: ano? Philip?
A: pilis nga! Yung nudols.

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sa sabungan, walang entrance fee ang may dalang panabong. Si Juan para makalibre pumasok may dalang inahin.
BANTAY: [sinita si Juan] ano yan?
JUAN: [galit pa!] manok!
BANTAY: alam ko, eh bakit inahin?
JUAN: may laban ang mister niya, siyempre moral support bobo!

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sa loob ng mall....
GUY: love, yan ang dati kong girlfriend.
JOWA: ang pangit pangit naman!
GUY: wala akong magagawa, yan talaga ang weakness ko ever since.

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GF: magaling! At sino tong baby na nagtext sayo?
BF: ah eh kumpare ko yun! Lalake yun! Baby lang palayaw.
GF: oh eto replyan mo. Hindi daw kayo tuloy at may mens daw ang tarantado!

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INA: anak, tawagan mo nga tatay mo sa celfon. Pauwiin mo dito.
[pagkatapos tawagan.]
ANAK: nay, babae po ang sumagot.
INA: lintik, sinasabi ko na nga ba, may tinatago yang tatay mo eh! Anong sabi?
ANAK: 'you only have zero pesos in your account...' hindi ko na tinapos nay mukhang matapobre.

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nagbubungkal ng lupa si Erap para magtanim. Akala ng nakakita niloloko lang siya dahil wala naman siyang tinatanim.
BANTAY: sir, wala naman kayong tinatanim ah.
ERAP: bobo! Seedless to!

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ANAK: nay, ano po ba yung 10 commandments?
NANAY: yun yung sampung utos ng Diyos.
ANAK: mas makapangyarihan pa po pala kayo sa Diyos eh!
NANAY: bakit?
ANAK: ang dami niyong utos eh!

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thought to ponder:
hindi kaya ang dahilan ng pagbaha sa panahon ni Noah ay pinutol niya lahat ng puno para gumawa ng napaka laking arko? ano sa tingi mo?

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HISTORY 101:
JUDAS: anong gimik yang hinuhugasan ni Magda ang paa ni Bossing?
PETER: wag kang makialam, darating ang araw at tatawagin yang FOOT SPA.

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PEDRO: niloko ko yung tindera kanina.
JUAN: paano mo naman niloko yung tindera?
PEDRO: nagpaload ako eh wala naman akong celfon.

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paramihan ng anak.
HAPONESA: pumasok, bitbit 10 anak.
(palakpakan)
AMERIKANA: pumasok, bitbit 20 anak.
(palakpakan)
PINAY: pumasok, sigawan ang audience! "GO NAY!!"

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may nakakita sakin sa dalampasigan. malungkot at nagiisa. sabi niya, 'kung mahal mo siya, bakit di mo ipadama?' sumagot ako, 'mahal ka diyan?!!! naiwan ako sa outing tanga.'

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kung totoo ang ' Darwin 's theory of evolution' na ang tao ay nagmula sa unggoy, bakit may mga taong mukhang kabayo?

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DORAY: mare, kulang pa kami ng isang miyembro. baka gusto mong sumali sa paluwagan.
PINANG : hindi pa ako pwede, mare.
DORAY: bakit mare?
PINAY: virgin pa kasi ako.

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ERAP SA PIZZA HUT
WAITER: sir, do you want me to cut your pizza into 4 slices or 8 slices?
ERAP: into four na lang, masyadong marami yung eight. di ko mauubos.

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SALESGIRL: sir, you can't smoke here.
CUSTOMER: but I bought these cigars from your store.
SALESGIRL: we also sell condoms, but it doesn't mean you can f*ck here.

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summer job opportunities:
package 1:
-P5000/hour
-enchanted kingdom
-tagatulak ng anchor's away.
package 2:
-P7000/day
-palengke
-tagalista ng noisy.
package 3:
-P800/minute
-star city
-tagahila ng roller coaster.
package 4:
-P900/minute.
-for females only.
- alaska milk.
-substitute sa baka.
oh pili na. mahirap maghanap ng trabaho.

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AMO: inday, kunin mo nga yung VOGUE magazine!
INDAY: mam, vogyu hindi vog.
AMO: inday, vog ang tamang pagbigkas.
INDAY: o sige na nga mam VOG na, there's no need to ARG.

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pano sasabihin sa isang girl na maitim ang kili-kili niya without hurting his feelings?
"ganda ng deodorant mo ha, kiwi?"

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what's worse than finding a worm in the apple you are eating? pag nakita mong kalahati na lang ang worm.

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Si Erap nakabasag ng vase sa Museum, yung attendant nataranta.
ATTENDANT: naku sir, more than 500 years old na po yang vase.
ERAP: hay salamat. Akala ko bago!

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Overheard from a girl na galit sa kararating na boyfriend sa starbucks:
GIRL: my God, you're so late. Where did you . . . where have you. . . where do you. . . san ka ba galing?

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ang tawag sa gumagawa ng tubo, tubero. Ang tawag sa kumukuha ng basura, basurero. Ang tawag sa mahilig sa gimik, gimikero. Sa maraming babae, babaero. Ang tawag sa nakaupo sa kanto.?

Today's Message of the Day is:

Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile.

Ang Mayaman at Ang Mahirap

Kung mayaman ka, meron kang ‘allergy’
Kung mahirap ka, ang tawag dyan ay ‘galis’ o ‘bakokang’

Sa mayaman, ‘nervous breakdown’ dahil sa ‘tension and stress’
Sa mahirap, ‘sira ang ulo’

Kung mayaman ka, ‘pneumonia’ raw ang sakit mo
Kung mahirap, ‘TB’ ’yon

Sa mayaman, ‘hyperacidity’
Kapag mahirap, ‘ulcer’ dahil walang laman ang tiyan

Sa mayamang ‘malikot ang kamay’, ang tawag ay ‘kleptomaniac’
Sa mahirap, ang tawag ay ‘magnanakaw’ o ‘kawatan’

Pag mayaman ka, you’re ‘eccentric’
Kung mahirap ka, ‘may toyo ka sa ulo’ o ‘may topak’ o ‘may sayad’

Kung mayaman ka at sumakit ang ulo mo, ikaw ay may ‘migraine’
Kung mahirap ka naman at sumakit ang ulo mo, ikaw ay ‘nalipasan ng gutom’

Kung mayaman ka, you are referred to as someone who is ‘scoliotic’
Pero kung mahirap ka, ikaw ay ‘kuba’

Kung ang señorita mo ay maitim, ang tawag ay ‘morena’ o ‘sun tanned’
Pero kung isa kang domestic na maitim, ikaw ay ‘ita’ o ‘negrita’ o ‘baluga’

Kung na sa high society ka at ikaw ay maliit, ang tawag sa iyo ay ‘petite’
Kung mahirap ka lang, ikaw ay ‘pandak’ o ‘bansot’

Kung socialite ka, ikaw ay ‘pleasingly plump’
Kapag mahirap ka, ika’y ‘tabatsoy’ o ‘lumba-lumba’ ...pagminamalas ka, ‘baboy’ pa

Kapag mayaman, ‘fasting’ ang hindi kumain
Kung mahirap, ‘nagtitiis’

Kung well-off ka at date ka rito, date ka roon, ang tawag sa iyo ay ‘socialite’
Kung mahirap ka, ikaw ay ‘pakawala’ o ‘pok-pok’

Kung mayamang alembong ka, ang tawag sa iyo ay ‘liberated’
Pero kung isa kang dukha, ang tawag sa iyo ‘malandi’

Kapag mayaman, ‘misguided’ o ‘spoiled’ ka
Kung mahirap ka, ‘addict’ o ‘durugista’

Kung may pera ka, ang tawag sa iyo ‘single parent’
Pero kung wala kang trabaho, ang tawag sa iyo ‘disgrasyada’

Kapag mayaman at sexy, ‘fashionable’ raw
Kung mahirap, sigurado ‘GRO’ o ‘japayuki’ ka

Ang tawag sa mayayamang puro gulay ang kinakain, ‘vegetarian’
Habang kakaawa ang mahirap na ‘ kumakain ng damo.’

Sa exclusive school, ‘assertive’ ang mga batang sumasagot sa mga guro
Pero pag ang mga mahihirap na bata ang sumasagot sa mga guro, ang tawag sa kanila ay ‘bastos!’

Ang mayamang tumatanda, ‘are graduating gracefully into senior citizenhood’
Ang mga mahihirap ay ‘gumugurang’

Ang anak ng mayaman ay ‘slow learner’
Ang anak ng mahirap ay ‘bobo’ o ‘gung-gong’

Kung mayaman ka at marami kang kumain, you flatter your host who says,
‘masarap kang kumain and I like you, you do justice to my cooking’
Kung ghastly peasant ka eating the same amount in the same house, your host will say to himself na ikaw ay ‘patay-gutom’
Kung graduate ka ng exclusive school at sa ibang bansa ka nagtatrabaho, ang tawag sa iyo ‘expat’
Kung mahirap ka lang, ikaw ay ‘contract worker’

6 tips for a happier life:

1) Lahat ng problema may solusyon, kapag walang solusyon, huwag mo ng problemahin.
2) Always remember - kung kaya ng iba, ipagawa mo sa kanila, why tire yourself?
3) Hindi lahat ng gwapo may girlfriend , ang iba sa kanila may boyfriend.
4) Di bale nang tamad di naman pagod.
5) Practice makes perfect, but nobody is perfect so don't practice.
6) Don't face your problem if your problem is your face.

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE..

Nicknames
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other
Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each
other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

Eating Out
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even
though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and
none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their
bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Money
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

Bathrooms
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

Arguments
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Cats
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Future
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Success
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Marriage
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

Dressing Up
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Natural
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Offspring
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist’s appointments and romances,
best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Driving
A man will let you out of a side road, a woman who is in standstill traffic will inch up to the car in front of her just to not let you out.

Thought for the Day
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE.

So, send this to the women who can handle it.
Also, to the men who will enjoy reading it.

Nice Story....

I was walking around in a Target store, when I saw a Cashier hand this little boy some money back.

The boy couldn't have been more than 5 or 6 years old.

The Cashier said, 'I'm sorry, but you don't have enough money to buy this doll.'

Then the little boy turned to the old woman next to him: ''Granny,
are you sure I don't have enough money?''

The old lady replied: ''You know that you don't have enough money to buy this doll, my dear.''

Then she asked him to stay there for just 5 minutes while she went to look around. She left quickly.

The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand.

Finally, I walked toward him and I asked him who he wished to give this doll to.

'It's the doll that my sister loved most an d wanted so much for Christmas.

She was sure that Santa Claus would bring it to her.'

I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus would bring it to her after all, and not to worry.

But he replied to me sadly. 'No, Santa Claus can't bring it to her where she is now. I have to give the doll to my mommy so that she can give it to my sister when she goes there.'

His eyes were so sad while saying this. 'My Sister has gone to be with God. Daddy says that Mommy is going to see God very soon too, so I thought that she could take the doll with her to give it to my sister.''

My heart nearly stopped.

The little boy looked up at me and said: 'I told daddy to tell mommy not to go yet. I need her to wait until I come back from the mall.'

Then he showed me a very nice photo of himself. He was laughing. He then told me 'I want mommy to take my picture with her so she won't forget me.'

'I love my mommy and I wish she didn't have to leave m e, but daddy says that she has to go to be with my little sister.'

Then he looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly.

I quickly reached for my wallet and said to the boy. 'Suppose we check again, just in case you do have enough money for the doll!''

'OK' he said, 'I hope I do have enough.' I added some of my money to his without him seeing and we started to count it. There was enough for the doll and even some spare money.

The little boy said: 'Thank you God for giving me enough money!'

Then he looked at me and added, 'I asked last night before I went to sleep for God to make sure I had enough money to buy this doll, so that mommy could give it to my sister. He heard me!''

'I also wanted to have enough money to buy a white rose for my mommy, but I didn't dare to ask God for too much. But He gave me enough to buy the doll and a white rose.''

'My mommy loves white roses.'

A few minutes later, the old lady returned and I left with my basket.

I finished my shopping in a totally different state of mind from when I started.

I couldn't get the little boy out of my mind.
Then I remembered a local news paper article two days ago, which mentioned a drunk man in a truck, who hit a car occupied by a young
woman and a little girl.
The little girl died right away, and the mother was left in a critical
state. The family had to decide whether to pull the plug on the
life-sustaining machine, because the young woman would not be able to recover from the coma.

Was this the family of the little boy?

Two days after this encounter with the little boy, I read in the news paper that the young woman had passed away.

I couldn't stop myself as I bought a bunch of white roses and I went to the funeral home where the body of the young woman was for people to see and make last wishes before her burial.

She was there, in her coffin, holding a beautiful white rose in her hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed over her chest.

I left the place, teary-eyed, feeling that my life had been changed for ever.. The love that the little boy had for his mother and his sister is
still, to this day, hard to imagine.

And in a fraction of a second, a drunk driver had taken all this away from him.

BOSS IS BOSS

When I take a long time to finish,
I am slow,
When my boss takes a long time,
he is thorough

When I don't do it,
I am lazy,
When my boss does not do it,
he is busy,

When I do something without being told,
I am trying to be smart,
When my boss does the same,
he takes the initiative,

When I please my boss,
I am apple polishing,
When my boss pleases his boss,
he is cooperating,

When I make a mistake,
you're an idiot.
When my boss makes a mistake,
he's only human.

When I am out of the office,
I am wandering around.
When my boss is out of the office,
he's on business.

When I am on a day off sick,
I am always sick.
When my boss is a day off sick,
he must be very ill.

When I apply for leave,
I must be going for an interview
When my boss applies for leave,
it's because he's overworked

When I do good,
my boss never remembers,
When I do wrong,
he never forgets

HOW TO SURVIVE A HEART ATTACK WHEN ALONE

Since many people are alone when they suffer a heart
attack, without help, the person whose heart is beating
improperly, and who begins to feel faint, has only about 10
seconds left before losing consciousness.

However, these victims can help themselves by coughing
repeatedly, and very vigorously. A deep breath should be
taken before each cough, deep, and prolonged, as when
producing sputum from deep inside the chest.

A breath, and a cough must be repeated about every two
seconds without let-up until help arrives, or until the
heart is felt to be beating normally again.

Deep breaths get oxygen into the lungs and coughing
movements squeeze the heart, and keep the blood circulating.
The squeezing pressure on the heart also helps it regain
normal rhythm.

In this way, heart attack victims can get to a hospital.
Tell as many other people as possible about this. It could
save their lives!!

THE CORRECT WAY OF EATING FRUITS

We all think eating fruits means just buying fruits,
cutting it, and just popping it into our mouths. It's
not as easy as you think. It's important to know how,
and when to eat.

What is the correct way of eating fruits?
* IT MEANS NOT EATING FRUITS AFTER YOUR MEALS!
* FRUITS SHOULD BE EATEN ON AN EMPTY STOMACH.

If you eat fruit like that, it will play a major role to
detoxify your system, supplying you with a great deal of
energy for weight loss, and other life activities.

FRUIT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT FOOD.
Let's say you eat two slices of bread and then a slice
of fruit. The slice of fruit is ready to go straight through
the stomach into the intestines, but it is prevented from
doing so.

In the meantime the whole meal rots, and ferments, and
turns to acid. The minute the fruit comes into contact with
the food in the stomach, and digestive juices, the entire
mass of food begins to spoil.

So please eat your fruits on an empty stomach or before
your meals! You have heard people complaining - every time I
eat water-melon I burp, when I eat durian my stomach bloats
up, when I eat bananas, I feel like running to the toilet
etc - actually all this will not arise if you eat the fruit
on an empty stomach.

The fruit mixes with the putrefying other food, and
produces gas, and hence you will bloat!

Graying hair, balding, nervous outburst, and dark circles
under the eyes all these will not happen if you take fruits
on an empty stomach.

There is no such thing as some fruits like orange, and
lemon are acidic, because all fruits become alkaline in our
body, according to Dr. Herbert Shelton who did a research on
this matter.

If you have mastered the correct way of eating fruits, you
have the Secret of beauty, longevity, health, energy,
happiness, and normal weight.

When you need to drink fruit juice - drink only fresh fruit
juice, NOT From the cans. Don't even drink juice that
has been heated up. Don't eat cooked fruits, because you
don't get the nutrients at all. You only get to taste.

Cooking destroys all the vitamins.

But eating a whole fruit is better than drinking the juice.
If you should drink the juice, drink it mouthful by mouthful
slowly, because you must let it mix with your saliva before
swallowing it.

You can go on a 3-day fruit fast to cleanse your body.

Just eat fruits, and drink fruit juice throughout the 3
days and you will be surprised when your friends tell you
how radiant you look!

KIWI: Tiny but mighty. This is a good source of potassium,
magnesium, Vitamin E & fiber. Its Vitamin C content is
twice that of an orange.

APPLE: An apple a day keeps the doctor away?
Although an apple has a low Vitamin C content, it has
antioxidants & flavonoids which enhances the activity of
Vitamin C thereby helping to lower the risks of colon
cancer, heart attack & stroke.

STRAWBERRY: Protective Fruit.
Strawberries have the highest total antioxidant power among
major fruits & protect the body from cancer-causing,
blood vessels-clogging free radicals.

ORANGE : Sweetest medicine.
Taking 2 -4 oranges a day may help keep colds away, lower
cholesterol, prevent & dissolve kidney stones as well as
lessens the risk of colon cancer.

WATERMELON: Coolest
Thirst Quencher Composed of 92% water, it is also packed
with a giant > dose of glutathione, which helps boost our
immune system.. They are also a key source of lycopene - the
cancer fighting oxidant. Other nutrients found in watermelon
are Vitamin C & Potassium.

GUAVA & PAPAYA: Top awards for Vitamin C.
They are the clear winners for their high Vitamin C
content. Guava is also rich in fiber, which helps prevent
constipation. Papaya is rich in carotene; this is good for
your eyes.

Drinking Cold water after meal = Cancer!
Can you believe this??

For those who like to drink cold water, this article is
applicable to you. It is nice to have a cup of cold drink
after a meal. However, the cold water will solidify the oily
stuff that you have just consumed. It will slow down the
digestion. Once this 'sludge' reacts with the
acid, it will break down, and be absorbed by the intestine
faster than the solid food. It will line the intestine.
Very soon, this will turn into fats, and lead to cancer.
It is best to drink hot soup, HOT TEA or warm water after a
meal.

JOKE na naman...

Mrs. Tanoy is a very kuripot. When her husband died,
she inquired with the newspaper,
asking the price for the obituary.
The ad taker said: "300 pesos for 5words."
She said: "Pwede ba 2 words lang?
"Tanoy dead""
Ad taker: "No mam. 5 words is the
minimum."
After thinking for a while, Mrs. Tanoy said:
"Ok, para sulit, ilagay mo,
"TANOY DEAD, TOYOTA FOR SALE "
==========================================
Caloy: Tay ,di ba sabi mo bibigyan mo ko ng P100 pag
pumasa ako sa Math?
Tatay: Oo. Bakit, pumasa ka ba?
Caloy: Gud news, tay! Di ka na gagastos ng P100.

==========================================
Kano (trying to speak Tagalog): Meg-kanow isang kilow
mang-gow?
Tindero: One way.
Kano: Meg-kanow?
Tindero: I sed ONE WAY.
Kano: Aynowng ibig sabeyhin ng one way?
Tindero: Isang daan. Understang?!

===========================================
Erap: Kalokohan! Di ako naniniwala! Walang taong ganun
kataba!
Loi: San ang balitang yan?
Erap: Dito sa dyaryo. Sabi; "British tourist
lost 1000 pounds."
===========================================
MMDA (with pen and ticket to a traffic violator):
Your name please?
Foreigner Driver: Wilhelm Von Corgrinski
Papakovitz.
MMDA: Ahhh okay...(sabay tago ng ticket)...Next
time careful, OK?
============================================
BF: Sunduin kita mamaya ha. Bubusina nalang ako pag
nasa harap nako ng bahay nyo.
GF: Cge. Anong sasakyan ang dala mo?
BF: Wala. Busina lang...

============================================
Nag-aapply si Tomas na security guard...
Interviewer: Ang kailangan namin ay taong laging may
suspicious mind,
highly alert, insistent personality, strong
sense with a killer instinct. Sa tingin mo ba qualified ka?
Tomas: Sa palagay ko po hindi. Pwede po bang yun misis
ko nalang ang mag-apply?
==============================================
Junior: Nay, bibili ako ng HIGH CAKE.
Nanay: Hindi high cake, anak. HOT CAKE yun.
Junior: Ok nay, watever. Pahingi nalang ng barya.
Nanay: Sige, kumuha ka nalang dyan sa SOLDIER BAG
ko.

Sa aking pagtanda..

Dear Anak,

Sa aking pagtanda, unawain mo sana ako at pagpasensyahan.
Kapag dala ng kalabuan ng mata ay nakabasag ako ng pinggan o nakatapon ng sabaw sa hapag kainan, huwag mo sana akong kagagalitan. Maramdamin ang isang matanda. Nagse-self-pity ako sa tuwing sisigawan mo ako.
Kapag mahina na ang tenga ko at hindi ko maintindihan ang sinasabi mo, huwag mo naman sana akong sabihan ng "binge!" paki-ulit nalang ang sinabi mo o pakisulat nalang. Pasensya ka na, anak. Matanda na talaga ako.
Kapag mahina na tuhod ko, pagtiyagaan mo sana akong tulungang tumayo, katulad ng pag-aalalay ko sa iyo noong nag-aaral ka pa lamang lumakad.
Pagpasensyahan mo sana ako kung ako man ay nagiging makulit at paulit ulit na parang sirang plaka. Basta pakinggan mo nalang ako.
Huwag mo sana akong pagtatawanan o pagsasawaang pakinggan. Natatandaan mo anak noong bata ka pa? kapag gusto mo ng lobo, paulit-ulit mo 'yong sasabihin, maghapon kang mangungulit hangga't hindi mo nakukuhaang gusto mo. Pinagtyagaan ko ang kakulitan mo.
Pagpasensyahan mo na rin sana ang aking amoy. Amoy matanda, amoy lupa. Huwag mo sana akong piliting maligo. Mahina na ang katawan ko. Madaling magkasakit kapag nalamigan, huwag mo sana akong pandirihan. Natatandaan mo noong bata ka pa? Pinatyagaan kitang habulin sa ilalim ng kama kapag ayaw mong maligo.
Pagpasensyahan mo sana kung madalas, ako'y masungit, dala na marahil ito ng katandaan. Pagtanda mo, maiintindihan mo rin.
Kapag may konti kang panahon, magkwentohan naman tayo, kahit sandali lang. inip na ako sa bahay, maghapong nag iisa. Walang kausap. Alam kong busy ka sa trabaho, subalit nais kong malaman mo na sabik na sabik na akong makakwentuhan ka, kahit alam kong hindi ka interesado sa mga kwento ko. Natatandaan mo anak, noong bata ka pa? Pinagtyagaan kong pakinggan at intindihin ang pautal-utal mong kwento tungkol sa iyong teddy bear.
At kapag dumating ang sandali na ako'y magkakasakit at maratay sa banig ng karamdaman,huwag mo sana akong pagsawaan alagaan. Pagpasensyahan mo na sana kung ako man ay maihi o madumi sa higaan, pagtyagaan mo sana akong alagaan sa mga huling sandali ng aking buhay. Tutal hindi na naman ako magtatagal.
Kapag dumating ang sandali ng aking pagpanaw, hawakan mo sana ang aking kamay at bigyan mo ako ng lakas ng loob na harapin ang kamatayan. At huwag kang mag-alala, kapag kaharap ko na ang Diyos na lumikha, ibubulong ko sa kanya na pagapalain ka sana … dahil naging mapagmahal ka sa iyong ama't ina…

Nagmamahal,

Tatay

THE MAYONNAISE JAR

Keep it in perspective

Kind of puts things in perspective if you have not seen it.

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are
not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else---the small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or
the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on
the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.


'Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf ball first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.' The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.

Dyok dyok dyok....

Sa cellphone ba ay may UAAP rin?
Yes, mga kababayan! May UAAP rin po sa cellphone.
Ang mga kalahok… FEU, UP, UST, Mapua, UE, PUP,
Adamson, PLM, DLSU, Ateneo, NU, PCU, CEU, JRU,
MLQU, MCU, OLFU, TIP, TUP at Letran.
Ang pinaglalabanan?
Pagandahan ng scandal!
***
Dati, dalawang presyo ng bilihin
ang puwede mong pagpilian…
‘yung mahal at ‘yung mura. Eh ngayon?
Dalawa pa rin naman…
‘yung mahal at ‘yung mas mahal!
***
Kapag binato ka ng bato…
umiyak ka at magsumbong sa nanay mo!
***
Kunwari, masaya ako… Kunwari, ok ako…
Kunwari, wala akong problema…
Ok lang ba kung isipin ko na kunwari…
unggoy ka?
Kunwari lang naman, eh! Sige na!
***
Ang mataba… pumapayat!
Ang pangit… kawawa naman!
***
Ang mga SCIENTIST, nagagawa ang mga
kahanga-hangang bagay.
Ano sa tingin mo? Magagawa kaya nilang gawing
WIRELESS ang dextrose?!
***
T: Bakit sa sex, ang posisyon na 69
ay tinatawag na Smoker’s Style?
S: Kasi, habang ine-enjoy ng babae ang YOSI,
ang lalaki ay abala sa paglilinis ng ASHTRAY!
***
T: Bakit naimbento ang two-piece swimsuit?
S: Para paghiwalayin ang HAIRY section at DAIRY section.
***
T: Bakit transparent ang condom?
S: Upang kahit paano ay ma-enjoy ng sperm cells
ang scenery ng kunu-kuno’y lupang ipinangako sa kanila!

***
Sa buhay ko, maraming dumaan…
problema, pagsubok, kawalan…
Pero nang dumaan ka, natawa ako.
Kasi, ‘yung pabango mo… Vicks!
***
Bed is just a material thing…
until someone you meet gives it the best meaning.
****
WALA na naman tayong nakuhang medal sa Olympics!
Let’s call for the re¬signation of the head of the
Philippine Olympic Committee!
Huwag nating ipagkatiwala ang ating
mga atleta sa gobyerno!
Sa halip, magtiwala tayo sa ABS-CBN 2 at GMA 7
para sa susunod na Olympics, ipadala nila si Captain Barbell
LIFTING, Dyesebel sa SWIMMING, Palos sa TRACK 
para sa WEIGHT & FIELD/MARATHON, Asero sa
BOXING, Kung Fu Kids sa TAEKWONDO, at
Lastikman sa GYMNASTICS.
Sigurado, hahakot tayo ng mga gintong medalya!
Iyan ang totoong DREAM TEAM!!!
***
MISIS: Naniniwala ka ba na ang babae,
habang tumatanda eh gumaganda?
MISTER: Oo naman!
MISIS: Sa tingin mo ba, gumaganda ako?
MISTER: Sa tingin ko… hindi ka tumatanda.
***
“You have two choi¬ces in life.
You can stay single and be miserable, or
get married and wish you were dead!”
Iyan ang sabi ng mga old maid!
***
“Kung Globe ka at Globe ako…
at lahat ay posible sa Globe…
Posible bang maging tayo?”
***
LIFE’S CYCLE
3-8 y/o: paramihan ng toys
9-18 y/o: pataasan ng grades
19-25 y/o: paramihan ng syota
26-35 y/o: pagandahan ng asawa
36-45 y/o: palakihan ng income
46-55 y/o: paramihan ng kabit
56-70 y/o: paramihan ng sakit
71 & above: pabonggahan ng libing
***
“Minsan, gusto kitang biglang patirin…
para mahulog ka sa akin.”
***
Pick-up line sa ospital:
“Tinurukan ka ba ng anaesthesia?
Bakit hindi mo maramdamang mahal kita?”
***
ANNULMENT is now allowed if the
husband is proven to be:
Lazy, Idiotic, Intolerant, Talkative,
Unfaithful, Traitorous, Envious, Negligent.
In short, L.I.I.T. U.T.E.N.
***
ANAK: Itay, pinapatanong po ng titser namin
kung ano raw ang trabaho ninyo.
ITAY: Carpenter, anak.
ANAK: Ano po ba ‘yung carpenter?
ITAY: Anak naman… ‘yun lang, hindi mo pa alam?
Ang carpenter ay tagapintura ng kotse!

***
OBET: Pare, sa ‘yo ba ‘yung German shepherd na nakatali sa poster?
ARNOLD: O, bakit?
OBET: Naku, patay na! Napatay ng pusa ko!
Paano nangyari ‘yun? Ang laki ng aso ko, ang liit ng pusa 
ARNOLD: mo!
OBET: Nabulunan ang aso mo habang kinakain ang pusa ko!
***
LANDO: Pare, pag nanaginip ako na may P1M
ako, magpapatayo ako ng negosyo! Ikaw,
pagnanaginip ka na may P1M ka, ano ang gagawin mo?
CONRAD: Matutulog na lang uli ako para maging P2M!
***
May isang malungkot na lalaki…
BABAE: Alam mo ba, ikaw ang pangalawang
pinaka-guwapong nakita ko.
LALAKI: Eh sino ‘yung una?
BABAE: Ikaw… ‘pag naka-smile!
***
Isang malupit na paraan ng pag-amin ng nararamdaman:
“Bago pa nila lagyan ng malisya ang pagiging malapit natin…
hayaan mong lagyan ko na.”
***
“When you cheat, do it on paper…not on your partner.”
***
I learned how to smile…
to cry… to be strong…
to be hurt…
but I would never learn how to forget you.
Kumbaga sa MATH, cannot be!
Kahit mag-borrow 1 pa!