Cause of Nightmare (Bangungot)

Cause of Nightmare (Bangungot)
ARTICLE FROM THE PHILIPPINE STAR

Medical investigators in China, Japan and several Asian countries who performed autopsies on persons who died from"acute hemorrhagic pancreatitis" found out that the majority of them hadeaten NOODLES as their supper. This was a startling finding.However, it wasn't the noodles that caused nightmares but dehydration.Imbibing even with a few drinks of alcohol or just eating noodlesimmediately before bedtime compound this on an empty stomach will trigger an electrolyteimbalance and other factors that causes a person todehydrate or lose water.It is therefore advisable for a person to take several glasses of waterbefore bedtime if he had a few or several alcoholic drinks. Avoid eating noodles before bedtime, but if you can not avoid it, allow at least two hours for the body to digest the noodles before hitting the sack and drink plenty of water.The most important thing is, never go thirsty when going to bed and be sureyou have plenty of water during your 8-hour rest.

Movie Translations

If American movie titles were translated to Tagalog...

1. Black hawk down - ibong maitim sa ibaba

2. dead man's chest - dodo ng patay

3. i know what you did last summer - uyy... aminin!

4. love, actually - sa totoo lang, pag-ibig

5. million dollar baby - 48.9 million pisong sanggol

6. the blair witch project - ang proyekto ng bruhang si blair

7. mary poppins - si mariang may putok

8. snakes on a plane - nag-ahasan sa ere

9. the postman always rings twice - ang kartero kapag dumutdot laging dalawang beses

10. sum of all fears - takot mo, takot ko, takot nating lahat

11. swordfish - talakitok

12. pretty woman - ganda ng lola mo

13. robin hood, men in tights - si robin hood at ang mga felix bakat

14. 4 weddings & a funeral - kahit 4 na beses ka pang magpakasal,mamamata y ka rin

15. the good, the bad and the ugly - ako, ikaw, kayong lahat

16. harry potter and the sorcerer's stone - adik si harry, tumira ng shabu

17. click - isang pindot ka lang

18. brokeback mountain - may nawasak sa likod ng bundok ng tralala/bumigay sa bundok

19. the day of the death - ayaw tumayo (ng mga patay)

20. waterworld - basang-basa

21. there's something about mary - may kwan sa ano ni maria

22. employee of the month - ang sipsip

23. resident evil - ang biyenan

24. kill bill - kilitiin sa bilbil

25. the grudge - lintik lang ang walang ganti

26. nightmare before christmas - binangungot sa noche buena

27. annie hall - ang butas ni annie

28. never been kissed - pangit kasi

29. gone in 60 seconds - 1 round, tulog

30. the fast and the furious - ang bitin, galit

31. too fast, too furious - kapag sobrang bitin, sobrang galit

32. dude, where's my car - dong, anong level ulit tayo nag-park?

33. beauty and the beast - ang asawa ko at ang nanay nya

34. the lord of the rings - ang alahero

~ MR. BEAN ~

1) BRAIN TUMOR:
Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!

2) MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL:
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!

3) WHILE IN A DRUG STORE:
Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!

4) AT AN ATM MACHINE:
Friend: What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)!

5) Marriage:
Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4worse.

6) CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND:
Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.
Friend: What tape did you took anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.

7)DEATH OF HIS MOTHER:
Mr. Bean:(crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend.
(After 2 minutes)
Mr. Bean cries even louder Friend: what now?
Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!

8) MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING:
Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure.
Mr. Bean: That's alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.

9) Spelling lesson:
Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful....is it one c or two c?
Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure!

Marriage

Marriage - Part I

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock e very night .....whether you're here or not."

(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)
Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After some time, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)
Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?' "

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

The Greatest

The most destructive habit..............................Worry
The greatest Joy......................................Giving
The greatest loss.......................Loss of self-respect

The most satisfying work......................Helping others
The ugliest personality trait....................Selfishness
The most endangered species.................Dedicated leaders

Our greatest natural resource........................Our youth
The greatest "shot in the arm"..................Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome.........................Fear

The most effective sleeping pill................Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease....................Excuses
The most powerful force in life.........................Love

The most dangerous pariah..........................A gossiper
The world's most incredible computer................The brain
The worst thing to be without... ...................... Hope

The deadliest weapon..............................The tongue
The two most power-filled words......................"I Can"
The greatest asset.....................................Faith

The most worthless emotion.........................Self-pity
The most beautiful attire..............................SMILE!
The most prized possession......................... Integrity

The most powerful channel of communication.............Prayer
The most contagious spirit.........................Enthusiasm

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People--
What do you>expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President. You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth..
The world is your urinal. You
never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.

Daddy, how did I come into this world ?

If you are stuck at this question each time your child ask, here is an
innovative answer!

Child: "Daddy? How did I come into this world?"
Dad: "Well, my child, some day I'll have to tell you any way.
Child: "So why not today? Please!"
Dad: "OK, but listen carefully. Mom and Dad met each other in a cyber cafe. In the restrooms of that cyber cafe, dad connected to mom. Mom at that time made some downloads from dad's memory stick. When dad finished uploading we discovered we used no firewall. Since it was too late to cancel or delete, ...nine months later we ended up with a virus."

Additional Vocabulary

Pretentious--Libreng Sampung Sapatos

KABAYO...

TITSER: Ano ang pambansang hayop ng Pilipinas? Naguumpisa sa letter K!?!
DINO: KABAYO?
TITSER: MALI! NgTATAPOS SA LETTER "W"!
DINO: KABAYOW???
TITSER: MALI!! MAY 2 SUNGAY ITO!!!
DINO: DEMONYONG KABAYOW?

TITSER: GET OUT!!!

CREATIVE PINOY MEALS

Pinoys Favorite Food: THIS WAS POSTED IN ONE RESTAURANT NEAR NAIA AIRPORT ,so, maybe next time you are around the area, you mayas well dine-in there, and check out their menu; ASYOU GO ON, IT'S BECOMING INTERESTING AND MOREFLAVORFUL!!! (this is based on true facts...)

1. TAPSILOG - Tapa, Sinangag, Itlog
2. LONGSILOG - Longganisa, Sinangag, Itlog
3. HOTSILOG - Hotdog, Sinangag, Itlog
4. PORKSILOG - Pork, Sinangag, Itlog
5. CHICKSILOG - Chicken, Sinangag Itlog
6. AZUCARERA - Adobong Aso
7. LUGLOG - Lugaw, Itlog
8. PAKAPLOG - Pandesal, Kape, Itlog
9. KALOG - Kanin, Itlog
10. PAKALOG - Pandesal, Kanin, Itlog
11. MAALOG NA BETLOG - Maalat na Itlog, Pakbet, Itlog
12. BAHAW - Bakang Inihaw (akala ninyo kaning lamigano)
13. KALKAL - Kalderetang Kalabaw 14. HIMAS - Hipon Malasado
15. HIMAS SUSO - Hipon Malasado, Sugpo, Keso
16. HIMAS PEKPEK - Hipon Malasado, Kropek, Pinekpekan
17. PEKPEK MONG MALAKI - Kropek, Pinekpekan, Monggo,Malasado, Laing, Kilawin
18. DILA - Dinuguan, Laing
19. DILAAN MO - Dinuguan, Laing, Dalandan, Molo
20. BOKA BOKA - Bopis, Kanin, Bokayo, Kape
21. BOKA BOKA MO PA - Bopis, Kanin, Bokayo, Kape,Molong Pancit
22. KANTOT - Kanin, Tortang Talong
23. KANTOT PA - Kanin, Tortang Talong, Pancit
24. SIGE KANTOT PA - Sinigang na Pige, Kanin, TortangTalong, Pancit
25. SIGE KANTOT PA IBAON MO - Sinigang na Pige, Kanin,Tortang Talong, Pancit - Take out
26. SIGE KANTOT PA HA - Sinigang na Pige, Kanin,Tortang Talong, Pancit, Halo-halo 27. SIGE KANTOT PAIBAON MO PAPA - Sinigang na Pige, Kanin, Tortang Talong, Pancit... Take out with Ketchup
28. PAKANTOT - Pandesal, Kanin, Tortang Talong
29. PAPAKANTOT - Papaitan, Kanin, Tortang Talong
30. PAPAKANTOT KA BA - Papaitan, Kanin, TortangTalong, Kapeng Barako
31. PAKANTOT SA YO - Pandesal, Kanin, Tortang Talong,Saging + Yosi
32. PAKANTOT KA - Pandesal, Kanin, Tortang Talong,Kape
33. PAKANTOT KA HABANG MATIGAS PA - Pandesal, Kanin,Tortang Talong, Kape, Inihaw na Bangus, Maruya,Tinola, Ginisang Aso, Pancit
34. SUBO - Sugpo, Bopis
35. SUBO MO - Sugpo, Bopis, Molo
36. SUBO MO PA - Sugpo, Bopis, Molo, Pancit
37. SUB O MO PA MAIGE - Sugpo, Bopis, Molo, Mais, Pige
38. SUBO MO TITE KO - Sugpo, Bopis, Tinola, Teryaki,Kochinta
39. SUBO MO TITE KO BILIS - Sugpo, Bopis, TinolaTeryaki, Kochinta, Bihon, Tawilis 40. SUBO MO TITE KO BILIS, HAYOP! - ...same as #39,minura mo lang yung waiter kasi ang tagal ng order.

Bisita sa Barrio..

BISITA SA ISANG BARRIO : "Tatang, naiinom po ba ang tubig dito?"

TATANG : "Nasaiyo yan iho...kung gusto mong nguyain...(may point sya neh?)

Professions Explained....

ARCHITECT:
Defines someone who was neither macho enough to become an engineer nor gay enough to become a designer.

BANKER:
Someone who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and takes it back when it starts to rain.

BOY SCOUT:
A child dressed like an asshole under the leadership of an asshole dressed like a child.

CONSULTANT:
Someone who uses your wife's watch, tells you the time, and then charges you for it.

DIPLOMAT:
Someone who tells you to go to hell in a way, which makes you eager to start the journey.

ECONOMIST:
An expert who will know tomorrow why that which he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

FRIEND:
Definition of a person of the opposite sex who has that "Je ne sais quoi" which eliminates any desire to ever try and sleep with them..

PESSIMIST:
Optimist with experience

PROGRAMMER:
Someone who fixes a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

PSYCHOLOGIST:
Someone who looks at everyone else when an attractive woman enters the room.

STATISTICIAN:
Someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an engineer.

PRIEST:
Someone addressed by everyone as "Father" except his children who call him "uncle".

UROLOGIST:
Someone who looks at your penis with disdain, touches it with disgust, then charges you as if he'd sucked it.

LOVE:
Four-letter word, two vowels, two consonants and two idiots.

DANCING:
The vertical frustration of a horizontal desire.

INTELLECTUAL:
Someone capable of thinking for more than 2 hours about something other than sex.

MONOGAMY:
Repressed polygamy.

NANOSECOND:
Fraction of time, which occurs between the lights turning green and the car behind honking its horn.

TEAMWORK:
The possibility of putting the blame on others.

EASY:
Term applied to any woman with the sexual morals of a man.

HARDWARE:
The part of the computer which you kick when the software malfunctions.

IMPATIENCE:
Waiting in a hurry.

INDIFFERENCE:
Attitude adopted by a woman towards a man in whom she has no interest; interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get".

INFLATION:
Having to pay next years prices on last year's salary

COKE

COKE

#1. In many states the highway patrol carries
two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from
the highway after a car accident.


#2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke
and it will be gone in two days.


#3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the
toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour,
then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes
stains from vitreous china.


#4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers:
Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

#5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour
a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubbleaway the corrosion.


#6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Apply a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola
to the rusted bolt for several minutes.


#7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into
the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake.
Thirty minutes before ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.


#8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of Coke
into the load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run
through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen
grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your
windshield.


FOR YOUR INFORMATION:

#1. the active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid.
It will dissolve a nail in about four days. Phosphoric
acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major
contributor to the rising increase of osteoporosis.

#2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the
commercial trucks must use a hazardous Material place
cards reserved for highly corrosive materials.

#3. The distributors of Coke have been using it to clean
engines of the trucks for about 20 years!

Now the question is, would you like a glass of water?

What Is Marriage?

What Is Marriage?

1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence a life sentence.

2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.

3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor, and the woman gets her masters.

4. Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

5. Married life is full of excitement: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak, and the NEIGHBORS listen.

6. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying.

7. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

8. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.

9. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

10. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.

11. Confucius says: a woman who sinks into a man's arm soon, will soon have her arms in the man's sink.

12. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

13. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America , the rest cheat in Europe .

14. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They can't face each other, but they still stay together.

15. Marriage is when man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

16. "I married Miss right, I just didn't know her first name was Always."

17. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, It only seems longer.

18. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

19. A man was complaining to a friend: "I HAD IT ALL - MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, THEN POW! IT WAS ALL GONE." "WHAT HAPPENED?" asked his friend. He says "MY WIFE FOUND OUT."

20. WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway lights on.

21. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: "AREN'T YOU WEARING YOUR RING ON THE WRONG FINGER?" The other replied, "YES, I AM. I MARRIED THE WRONG MAN."

22. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.

23. No matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

24. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received two hundred forty eight letters, and they all said YOU CAN HAVE MINE.

25. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing either the car is new or the wife is...

Laya na sana ako ngayon...

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not intheirbed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She findshim sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee.
He appearstobe in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes atear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter,dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.
"Why are you down here atthis time of night?
"The husband looks up from his coffee.
"Do you remember twenty years agowhen we were dating, and you were only 16?
" he asks solemnly.
"Yes, Ido,"she replies. .
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.
"Doyou remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either youmarry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for twenty years?"
"I remember that, too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said . .
"Laya na sana akongayon."(",)

Test for Dementia

Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are.

Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)

First Question:

You are participating in a race You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up in the next question.
To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.

Second Question:

If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

You're not very good at this! Are you?

Third Question:

Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000 Now add 10. What is the total?


Scroll down for answer.

Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.

Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?


Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Answer: Nunu?

NO! Of course not.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again

Okay, now the bonus round:

There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.

KEEP THIS GOING TO FRUSTRATE THE

SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!

Kandila

Pag dating ni Munir sa bahay, sabi ni Ei, ang asawa nya, "Sweetheart,
delayed ako ng isang buwan. Kagagaling ko lang sa doktor. Pero huwag mong
sabihin kahit kanino, baka mapahiya lang ako kapag di nagkatotoo."

Kinaumagahan, merong dumating na taga-Meralco. Pagbukas ng pinto, sabi
niya, "Ale, delayed ho kayo ng isang buwan." "Kanino mo nalaman ito?"
tanong ni Ei. "Nandito ho nakasulat sa records namin," sagot ng
taga-Meralco. "Talaga? Nakasulat sa records ninyo?"

Sa sumunod na araw, si Munir ay dumating galit na galit sa counter ng
Meralco. "Paano niyo nalaman na delayed ng isang buwan ang misis ko?"

"Konting pasensya lang. Kung gusto niyong mawala sa records namin ito,
magbayad na lang kayo," sagot ng isang empleyado.

"Eh, kung ayaw kong magbayad?" tanong ni Munir. "Puputulan ho kayo," sagot
ng empleyado.

"Kung puputulan ako, anong gagamitin ng misis ko?"

"Pwede naman siyang gumamit ng kandila, di ba?"

Dan the Bicol Man

Below is the story and experience of "Dan the Bicol
Man" when he went to the United States...
Dan the Bicol Man.
Si Dan, taga Bicol:

Dumating si Dan sa Amerika sa tulong ng kanyang
Kumpare na may kontak sa immigration sa Pilipinas.
Medyo tagilid ang papeles niya
kaya masyado siyang maingat (TNT baga).
Ayaw man lang lumabas ng bahay si Dan kung hindi
kasama ang kanyang kumpare.

E minsan, nagsawa na ang kanyang kumpare sa
kaaalalay sa kanya. "Pareng Dan,"
sabi ng kumpareng tinatago ang inis, "Heto ang
susi ng kotse at mga credit cards ko.
Magshopping ka naman sa Mall para malibang ka."

"Kung may problema ka, tawagan mo ako sa telepono.
Papasok na ako sa opisina."

Dahil siguro sa hiya ni Dan, kahit nerbiyos na
nerbiyos siya, sinubukan niyang lumabas.
Tuwang-tuwa si Dan sa pamamasyal sa mall.
Nakapili siya ng mga damit na gusto niya. Ngunit
pagdating sa cashier,biglang nataranta at natakot si Dan.

Tanong ng cashier, "Visa or Master Card?"

Haripas si Dan palabas dahit sa takot! "Aba,
hinahanap ang visa ko!?
Baka nabisto na ako! Syet!" Sakay kaagad siya sa
kanyang kotse. Harurot.

Kaso, halos wala ng gas ang sasakyan kaya huminto
siya sa isang gas station.
Nang maglalagay na siya ng gas, biglang
nagsalita ang cashier
sa speaker, "Sir, pay first, please."

"Naku, patay! Papers daw! Hinahanap ang papers ko!"

Nagtatakbo si Dan sa mga eski-eskinita hanggang
makakita siya ng pay phone.

Patago-tago siyang lumapit sa payphone.

"(Hingal) Kailangang matawagan ... ko si kumpare...
para masundo niya ako rito (hingal)."

Pagtaas niya ng handle ng telepono, narinig niya,
"AT&T how can I help you?"

Aba, anak ng putakteh, alam na TNT ako! Buking na
ako!"

Pagbaba niya ng telepono, may Amerikanong nakatayo
sa likod niya, tanong
ba naman, "Are you done?"

Napahandusay si Dan sa phone booth. Biglang bulalas,
"Buray kan ina!,
alam pa ang pangalan ko!"

Nagulat ang tisoy, "Hey, be cool, man!"

"Naku! Alam pa kung taga saan ako!"

"Is that your green car parked in the red zone?"

Hihimatayin na si Dan! "Hinahanapan pa ako ng green
card"!!!!!

Kaya sa matinding takot, nagpahuli na lang si Dan.
Ngayon si Dan ay nasa Bicol na muli at binansagan na
"Dan Balikbayan."

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half-wild,naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 21 and 30, a woman is like the UK. Well developed and open totrade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, she is like India. Very hot, relaxed and convinced ofher own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France; gently aging but still a warmand desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, she is like Yugoslavia; lost the war, haunted by pastmistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia. Very wide and borders areun-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia. A glorious and all conqueringpast but alas? no future.
After 70, they become like Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but noone wants to go there.

Chain letters

Thanks...


I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send
me your damn chain letters over the past few years. Yes, thank you,
thank you, thank you from the bottom of what's left of my heart for
making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern...I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or DR Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the
rat feces and urine.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer use margarine because it's one molecule away from being
plastic.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually
Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls
to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and
leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes. (Geez, the BIBLE did not mention it works that way!)

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is
about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in
their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me!

I will now return the favor.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's 8th husband's 2nd cousin's 3rd husband's ex-wife's mother's beautician!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

A Filipino Applies for a Job at Wal-Mart

An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task ofhiring an individual to fill a job opening. Aftersorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified -- an American, a Russian, an Australian and a Filipino.

He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.Their answer would determine who of them would getthe job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know?"
Dave, the American, replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on theway; it's just there.A thought is the fastest thing I know of.""That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And now you sir?" he asked Vladimir , the Russian."Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is thefastest thing I know.""Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular clich� for speed.

"He then turned to George, the Australian who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad'sranch, you step out of the house and on the wallthere's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comeson. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing Ican think of." The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to Eleuterio, the Filipino, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.Eleuterio replied, "Apter herring da 3 preybyusansers sir, et's ob yus to me dat the fastest thingis Diarrhea." "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by theresponse. The others were already giggling in theirseats..."Oh, I can expleyn sir,." said Eleuterio. " You see,sir, da ader day my tummy was peeling bad and so I run so fast to the CR, but before I could THINK,BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, 'ah-hahah-um uhmmm, SIR, I had alreydi shit in my pants!"

Nasaan ang PISO?

Sagutin nyo nga... nagma-migraine na ako sa kakaisip!... hehehe…

May natagpuan kang T-shirt sa SM Department store, ito ay nagkakahalagang Php 97.00. Wala kang pera kaya humiram ka sa nanay mo ng Php 50.00 at sa tatay mo ng Php 50.00. Magkano na pera mo? (ans: Php 100.00)

Bumalik ka sa SM at binili mo ang T-Shirt. Magkano sukli mo? (ans: Php 3.00) Binalik mo yung piso sa nanay mo, magkano na lang ang utang mo sa nanay mo? (ans: Php 49.00)

Tapos binalik mo din yung isa pang piso sa tatay mo, magkano na lang utang mo sa tatay mo? (ans: Php 49.00)

Yung isang piso na sa iyo... OK?

Eto na ang pang-gulo...49 + 49? (ans: 98) + piso na nasa iyo? (ans: 99 tama ba?)

At ang aking tanong...

nasaan na 'yung isang piso?

The IQ oo First grader

A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam was having trouble with one of her students the teacher asked,
"Boy, what is your problem?
"Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!
"Ms. Neelam had enough. She took Boy to the principal's office.While Boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he wasto go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms. Neelam and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the third-grade.
"Ms. Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions.Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy both agree.Ms. Neelam asks,
"What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy, after a moment "Legs."
Ms. Neelam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy: "Pockets.
"Ms. Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy: CoconutMs.
Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boywas taking charge.
Boy: BubblegumMs.
Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before hecould stop the answer...
Boy: Shake hands
Ms. Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy: Yep.
Ms. Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent
Ms. Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.
Boy: Wedding RingMs.
Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy: Nose
Ms. Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy: ArrowMs.
Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy: FiretruckMs.
Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u dont get it u have to use ur hand.
Boy: Fork
Ms. Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy: SURNAME
Ms. Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Boy: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send this Boy to the University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who
remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a
successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics
and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and
now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his
best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and
joy". He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to
become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company,where he owns
the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a
brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best
universities and became an engineer.Then he started his own construction
company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice
and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square footmansion.
"The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from
the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the
three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of
our sons. .What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a
stripper at a night club." The three friends said: "What a shame...what a
disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he
received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top
of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends"

MAASIKASONG ASAWA

Dalawang linggo na ang nakalipas mula nang ikasal sina Gino at Karen.
Kahit mahal na mahal ni Gino ang kanyang misis,
nasasabik din siyang makipag-inuman sa kanyang mga kumpare.
Isang gabi, nagpaalam si Gino kay Karen,
"Honey, aalis ako ha, babalik kaagad ako..."
"Sweetheart, saan ka pupunta?" tanong ni Karen.
"Sa bar, cutiepie, iinom lang ako ng beer." saad ni Gino.
"Gusto mo ng beer, love? Eto..." hirit ni Karen
sabay bukas ng refrigerator at ipinakita ang
25 na iba't ibang klase ng beer na puro imported.
Hindi malaman ni Gino kung ano ang gagawin.
Ang sabi na lang niya,
"Oo, cutiepie, pero doon sa bar... alam mo na... yung malam! ig na glass..."
Hindi pa tapos magsalita si Gino, eh, buong
lambing na nagsalita na si Karen,
"Gusto mong malamig na glass, sweetheart? Eto..."
Binuksan ni Karen ang freezer at naglabas s'ya ng
isang malaki at malamig na glass, sobrang lamig at
nangangatog pa siya sa pagkakahawak.
Medyo namumutla na si Gino, na ang nasabi eh,
"Oo nga cutie pie, Pero sa bar ang daming masasarap na
pulutan... sandaling-sandali lang ako talaga. Babalik kaagad ako, okey?"
"Gusto mo ng pulutan, sweetheart?" malambing pa ring
usisa ni Karen, na binuksan ang oven at naglabas ng
iba-ibang klase ng pulutan-sisig, chicken wings,
chicharong bulaklak, crispy pata, inihaw na bangus,
camaron rebosado, hotdog with onion, kaldereta at iba pa.
"Pero cutie pie... sa bar... you know, merong konting biruan,
bolahan, murahan... you know..."
alumpihit na sabi ni Gino.
Hindi na nakapagpigil si Karen,
"Gusto Mo Ng Murahan Sweetheart? ....
... TANGINA MO PALA EH!
HETO, INUMIN MO ITONG PUTANG INANG BEER MO
SA MALAMIG NA BWAKANAN NG INANG BASO NA ITO,
AT KAININ MO 'YANG PUKI NANG INANG PULUTAN NA
'YAN DAHIL HINDI KA LALABAS NG BAHAY! ULOL!
'TANG INANG 'TO"

TekS DyOwKs

#1
3 boys at the mall:
BOY 1: Shocks! ang cute nung girl.
BOY 2: Sexy pa! Grabeh..
BOY 3: cno? yung nka mini skirt? tawagin ko ha...

KUYAAAH!!!

#2
ANAK: tay, san ang grief ko?
TATAY: ikaw bata k, di k pa rin natuto... brief hindi grief!
ANAK: ah ok, san nga po tay?
TATAY: dun sa kwarto naka-hammer. .

#3
My mg-inang alupihan

INA: Ano b, knina p kta inu2san bumili ng suka di kpa umaalis?
ANAK: kta naman nio ngtsitsinelas p e, apurado naman kau.


#4
2 men drinking:

MAN1: Pre, baket hanggang ngyon, wla ka p ring jowa? tngnan m ko, nkakailan na. wala ka bang ntitipuhan?
MAN2: (blushed) Meron.. Manhid ka lang kc.

#6
DOC 1: I'm feeling guilty, i had an affair with my patient.
DOC 2: relax! it happens often in our profession!
DOC 1: Anong relax?... beterinaryo ako!

#7
Speaker: Who among you had an affair with a ghost?

a Farmer raises his hand

Speaker: oh, great. would you share with us your affair with a ghost?
Farmer: ay! ghost ba? kala ko goat!

#8
Student: Mam bubukol ba ang utot sa pantalon?
Teacher, No, hindi! Remember class, kahit gaano kalakas ang utot di bubukol sa pantalon.
Student: Patay! TAE NGA ITO!

#9
Anak: Tay! penge pera, 5 lang po, bili lng ako sucherya..
Tatay: Tanga! Nak, di sucherya twag dun...
Anak: eh anu po b?
Tatay: chiskarr..

#10
Mga klase ng utot ayon sa iyong pagkatao:
1. Walang tunog pero ubod ng bantot: Plastik ka!
2. Mahina ngunit my konting sundot ng bantot: simple lng pero rock
3. Malakas ang buga, walang amoy: puro ka salita kulang sa gawa, nonsense
4. Malakas na, mabaho pa: Totoong tao ka! Saludo ko sayo!

RELAX MUNA KAYO. . ..

There is a bill filed by Sen. Lito Lapid asking that proposed laws should be written in Pilipino. Likewise, official spoken language in the senate should be Pilipino. This is somewhat similar to last year's proposal. So, I believe that this will be vetoed again by the President as happened in 2003. Read on to know why. Tagalog Na Tunay A young, good-looking representative from Laguna sponsored a bill recommending Filipino language be used in all levels of accounting firms and banking institutions. The solon claimed it will provide a better understanding of the business transactions for those who are inexperienced and non-English speaking citizens.The bill received unanimous approval from the House and was presented to the President for signature to become law. But in spite of the overwhelming pressure from the members of Congress, President Gloria Arroyo vetoed the bill.Why? She found out that when the English "business" words are translated into Tagalog, they sound very malicious and are "nakaka-hiya at nakaka-kilabot!" Here are a few samples of

Accounting terms, English to Tagalog:
Asset - Ari
Fixed asset - Nakatirik na ari
Liquid asset - Basang ari
Solid asset - Matigas na ari
Owned asset - Sariling pag aari
Other asset - Ari ng iba
False asset - Ari-ari-an
Miscellaneous asset - Iba-ibang klaseng ari
Asset write off - Pinutol na pag aari
Depreciation of asset - Laspag na pag aari
Fully depreciated asset - Laspag na laspag na pag aari
Earning asset - Tumutubong pag aari
Working asset - Ganado pa ang ari
Non-earning asset - Baldado na ang ari
Erroneous entry - Mali ang pagka pasok
Double entry - Dalawang beses ipinasok
Multiple entry - Labas pasok nang labas pasok
Correcting entry - Itinama ang pagpasok
Reversing entry - Baligtad ang pagkakapasok
Dead asset - Patay na ARI

Walang pikun ha. . .

MAHIRAP LAHAT

Sa UP, mahirap ang Math.
Sa Ateneo, mahirap ang English.
Sa La Salle, mahirap ang parking.
Sa Assumption, mahirap ang walang pera.
Sa UST, mahirap umuwi kapag baha.
Sa St. Scholastica, mahirap sumakay sa LRT.
Sa San Beda, mahirap maging lalaki.

WHERE TO GO TO COLLEGE?
If you have a lot of brains and a little money, go to UP.
If you have some brains and some money, go to Ateneo.
If you have no brains and lots of money, go to La Salle.
If you have no money, go to PUP.

X-MAS SPIRIT
A few days before Christmas, the Monsignor thought it would be a good idea
if he solicited the support of a number of schools to get together to create
a Nativity Scene in time for the Christmas Mass. The day before Christmas,
the Monsignor discovered that the Nativity Scene was still incomplete so he
made a few inquiries on why this was so.
Ateneo reported it could come up with only two and not three wise men.
La Salle reported it could not come up with even a single wise man.
Maryknoll reported that it could not come up with even a single virgin.
San Beda reported that it could only come up with three wise gays.
UP reported that they killed the three wise men.

QUESTION AND ANSWER

Q: What should an Atenean do when a La Sallite hurls a grenade at him?
A: The Atenean should pick up the grenade, pull the firing pin and hurl it
back at the La Sallite.



Q: How do La Sallites count one to ten?
A: One, two, three, another, another, and another.

PASIKATAN NG GRADWEYTS

UP: A number of past Philippine presidents graduated from UP.
Presidents Roxas, Quirino, Laurel, Garcia and Marcos, to name just a few!
ATENEO: Hah! That's nothing, a number of Ateneo graduates became
national heroes like Jose Rizal, Gen. Gregorio del Pilar, Gen. Antonio Luna,
Evelio Javier and many others.
UP: That just goes to show you, UP graduates become presidents and
lead countries while Atenean ended up getting shot!
LA SALLE: Wala 'yan. Talo kayo sa mga gradweyt namin!
UP & ATENEO: Bakit sino ba ang mga graduates ninyo?
LA SALLE: Aba! Marami kaming sikat na gradweyts; si Gary
Valenciano, Dingdong Avanzado, Ogie Alcasid, Monsour del Rosario. . .

HOW TO IDENTIFY A LA SALLITE

A La Sallite walks into a store in Mega Mall and says: "Miss, I'd like a
green parrot, please." The salesgirl looks at him and asks: "Sir, are you
a La Sallite, by any chance?" The La Sallite replies: "O... bakit mo naman
natanong 'yan? If I ordered BLUE cheese, would you ask me if I were from
Ateneo? I don't think so. If I bought a MAROON shirt, would you ask me if I
were from UP? I think not. So why then, when I want to buy a GREEN parrot,
do you ask me if I'm from La Salle?" "Sir, kasi naman..." replied the
salesgirl, "this is a flower shop, eh."

A TYPICAL CONVERSATION

Two La Sallites meet on the street and carry on a typical La Sallite
conversation:
La Sallite #1: If you can tell me how many chickens I have in this bag, I
will give you both of them.
La Sallite #2: Uh, two?
La Sallite #1: Daya mo! You peeked!

UP Diliman - everybody was lined up to the attic to have a
fraternity ritual

UP Los Banos - they were in the garden mowing the lawn

UP Manila - they were into "drugs"

Ateneo - they were inside the TV room with a microphone chanting
the "BLUE EAGLE" spelling

La Salle - they were eavesdropping

San Beda - some were beside the Ateneans while others were in the
bedroom
with some Paulinians

St. Paul - they thought they were with the Ateneans

La Consolacion - they wanted to be the Paulinians

Holy Spirit - they want the Paulinians

Miriam - they were beside the room of the Ateneans . . .like always

Assumption - they were inside the bathroom three hours already since
arriving

St. Scholastica - they were next in line for the bathroom

CEU - some were doing the dishes while others were busy with the
laundry

St. Louis - they were in front of the air conditioner

UE - they don't know what's an air conditioner

UST - they were everywhere

FEU - they were nowhere

MLQU - sob! They were not invited

San Sebastian - How the hell did they pass by security?

Letran - the Security

Mapua - they were fixing the leak in the roof

TIP - they were the ones who created the leak

NU - they were outside the house selling cigarettes

JRC - they were the ones buying

Adamson - went to Luneta instead

Sta. Isabel - they were Adamson's dates

CRC - what the hell is this party for?

PSBA - what the hell is CRC?

NCBA - what the hell is PSBA?

AMA - they were parading with Jolina posters.

SUICIDAL SANDWICH

There were three friends: an Atenean, a La Sallite, and a UP
student (so
you know this story is fictional). Anyway, everyday, they met for
lunch and
ate their sandwiches.

UP: Putek! Peanut butter sandwich na naman? Sawang-sawa na ako
dito ah.
Pag bukas, peanut butter sandwich na naman ang baon ko,
magpapatiwakal na
ako.

Ateneo: Darn! Roast beef sandwich again. I am sick of this
already. If I
get another roast beef sandwich again tomorrow, I am gonna shoot
myself.

La Salle: Oh my gosh, grabe! Ham sandwich is my baon again. I am
so sawa
with this sandwich na, ha? If my baon tomorrow is ham sandwich
again, I am
gonna drive my CRV over the cliff.

The next morning, they again met for lunch, and, alas, they had the
same
sandwiches again. The UP student went back to his dorm, pulled out
a belt,
and choked himself to death. The Atenean went home, got a gun, and
shot
himself in the head. The La Sallite drove his CRV off a cliff.
During
their funeral, their mothers were interviewed:

UP: Kung sinabi niya lang sa akin na ayaw niya na nang peanut butter
sandwich, eh di sana hindi na yun yung pinabaon ko sa kanya.

Ateneo: If he had told me that he did not want roast beef anymore,
I would
not have given him roast beef.

La Salle: Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit siya nagpakamatay, eh
siya
naman yung gumagawa ng sarili niyang sandwich. (NGEK!!!

Joke Time!

" Asawa" 1st year masaya.
After 5 years tanggalin ang A "sawa na".
after 10 years tanggalin ang S"awa na lang".
Sa susunod na taon tanggalin mong A "wa na!"

Home version of who wants to be a millionaire:
Husband: dear puede ka ba ngayon?
Wife: di puede pagod ako!
Husband: is that final?
Wife: FINAL!!!!
Husband:ok, can i phone a friend?!?

Pag Americano umutot: EXCUSE ME!
Pag British naman: PARDON ME!
Pag Espanol: EXCUSAR POR QUE UTUTAR!
Pag Pinoy: Di ako yun! Mamatay na ang umutot

Warning: Children playing outside the car can cause accident...
and... Adults playing inside the car can cause CHILDREN!!!!

Loveliness through the years
1950s-Iniirog kita.
1960s-Iniibig kita.
1970s-Minamahal kita.
1980s-I love you.
1990s-Tara sa kwarto.
2000s-Pwede na rito.

MRS: sa palagay mo, mahal, ilang taon na ako?
MR : kung titignan kita sa buhok 18 ka lang; kung
nakatalikod 16 lang, kung sa kutis 22 lang. Bale
total ay 56 sweetheart.

DUCK DICTIONARY
maliit na duck- "panduck"
tirahan ng maliit na duck- "Pandacan"
mataas na duck- "boonduck"
nagulat na duck- "nasinduck"
photogenic na duck- "kodak"
malaking duck sa Ilocos- "duck-il"
madaldal na duck- "dakdak"
pantakip sa bibig ng madaldal na duck- "duck tape"
manggagamot na duck- "ducktor"
musikero na duck- "conducktor"

Tumatakbo si ERAP galing computer room na
sinusundan ng staff:
"Sir bakit ka tumatakbo?"
Erap: Tatakas ako, sabi kasi ng computer
'press Ctrl then Escape'.

Erap: Pareng Ronnie, akyat ka sa puno, pisilin mo bunga kung hinog na.
FPJ: (umakyat at pinisil ang bunga) Oo pare hinog na.
Erap: sige baba ka na sungkitin natin.

Erap delivering speech at the mental hospital.
Inmates shouting: Mabuhay si ERAP!
PSG seeing one guy not cheering: Bakit di ka sumabay sa kanila?
Guy: Di ako sira ulo. Janitor ako!

Spanish teacher: Class use 'fuera' in a sentence.
Student: Mis maestras son bonitas (my teachers are beautiful).
Teacher: Oh, that's very flattering but where's 'fuera'?
Student: Fuera ka!

PERFECT HEAVEN: Having American salary,
British home, German car, Chinese food, and Pinoy wife!
PERFECT HELL: Having Korean car, British wife, German food,
American home and Pinoy salary!

Mare 1: Naku mare, ang gaganda ng mga anak mo!
Mare 2: Talaga, mare! Hay naku kung asawa ko lang
ang inasahan ko hindi sana mangyayari yan!

NANAY: Bobo ka talaga! 1 to 10 lang di mo kayang bilangin?
ANAK: Mas bobo si tatay nay, kasi narinig ko
minsan sabi, "tama na inday, hanggang tatlo lang kaya ko."

Letter to OFW dad:
"Luv, tnx sa padala mo, hapi c nene kasi
tobleron ang baon sa skul. ung nike suot na ni jr. next
tym wag ka na padala NIVEA MILK. di nila type pait daw,
ako tloy ang umubos."

MISTER: ano ang pagkain natin?
MISIS: nasa mesa, bahala ka na pumili!
MISTER: isang pirasong tuyo?ano pagpipilian ko?
MISIS: pumili ka kung kakain ka o hindi!

IDD call from US:
HUSBAND: hon musta ang tindahan?
WIFE: dept store na!
H: ang tuba-an?
W: KTV bar na!
H: and mga trickad?
W: taxi na!
H: ang dalawa kong anak?
W: LIMA na!

sweethearts watchin' da sky...
GUY: ano ang horoscope mo?
GIRL: anong huruskup?
GUY: yung bang kapalaran mo, katulad ko, CANCER.
GIRL: ah, sa akin ALMURANAS!

TITSER: who can make a sentence then translate it in tagalog?
PUPIL: my titser is beautiful, isn't she?
TITSER: very good, translate it in tagalog.
PUPIL: ang guro ko ay maganda, maganda nga ba?


SAYINGS TO LIVE BY:
1. birds of the same feathers, are the same birds
2. do not do unto others what you can't do
3. an apple a day is not an apple at night
4. when the cat is away the mouse is alone
5. if others can do it, don't help
6. tell me who ur friends are and i'll tell u mine
7. early to bed and early to rise makes you sleepy In the afternoon
8. ang ilog na tahimik ay malalim, ang ilog na maingay may naglalaba

BUKABULARYO

1) Contemplate - kulang ang mga pinggan
2) Punctuation - pera para maka-enrol
3) Ice Buko - nagtatanong kung "ayos ang buhok ko"
4) Tenacious - sapatos na pang tennis
5) Calculator - tawagan kita mamaya
6) Devastation - sakayan ng bus
7) Protestant - Tindahan ng prutas
8) Statue - Ikaw ba yan?
9) Tissue - Ikaw nga!
10) Predicate - Pakawalan mo ang pusa
11) Dedicate - Pinatay ang pusa
12) Aspect - Pantusok o pandurog ng yelo
13! ) Deduct - Ang pato
14) Defeat - Ang paa (ng pato?)
15) Detail - Ang buntot (ng pato?)
16) Deposit - Gripo (Call DIPLOMA if DEPOSIT is leaking)
17) City - Bago mag-utso; A number to follow 6
18) Cattle - Doon nakatila ang Hali at Leyna
19) Persuading - Unang Kasal
20) Depress - Ang nagkasal sa PERSUADING
22) Defense - Ginamit ng mga pangsulat sa kontrata sa PERSUADING
23) It depends - Kainin mo ang bakod
24) Shampoo - Bago mag-labing-isha (11)
25) Delusion - Maluwang (kapag maluwang ang damit, eh DELUSION)
26) Delivery - Walang bayad. Kapag working lunch, eh DELIVERY na ang
tanghalian
27) Profit - Patunayan mo
28) Balance Sheet - What comes out after eating a balance diet
29) Backlog - bacon saka egg
30) Beehive - magpakatino ka
31) CD-ROM - tingnan mo ang kwarto
32) Debug - ang ipis
33) Defrag - ang palaka
34) Defense - ang bakod
35) Defer - ang balahibo
36) Deflate - ang plato
37) Detest - ang eksamin
38) Devalue - 'yon ang susunod sa letrang V
39) Devote - ang boto
40) Dilemma - brownout!, a!
41) Effort - 'dun nagla-land ang efflane
42) Forums - apat na kwarto
43) July - nagsinungaling ka ba?
44) Thesis - Ito ay...

PANGALIS NG STRESS (Walang personalan joke lang)

ERAP: Sumuko na kayo!
MILF: Hindi kami susuko pag hindi mo naispell ang CEASEFIRE!
ERAP: Tangina niyo! Tuloy ang giyera!

HORSE: Mahal na Prinsesa, dati akong prinsipe na isinumpa.
PRINSESA: Ha? Pag hinalikan ba kita, babalik ka sa pagiging Prinsipe?
HORSE: Malakas ang sumpa, kelangan chupa!

INDAY: Ang guwapo ni sir, ano kaya ang gagawin ko para mapansin ako? Ah,
ilagay ko nga sa mesa ang panty ko.
SIR: Kaninong panty to?
INDAY: Akin po.
SIR: May tae.

PRIEST: Kaw ha, nanilip ka raw kay sister!
SACRISTAN: Sori po.
PRIEST: Anong nasilip mo sa kanya?
SACRISTAN: Wala po father, kasi nakaharang po pwet niyo!!!

Songs of Married Couple:
First Night - Aray Naku!
1-5 Years - Araw- araw Gabi gabi
6-15 Years - Paminsan minsan
16-25 Years - SanaKahit Minsan
26-49 Years - Gaano kadalas ang Minsan
50 up - Maalaala mo Kaya

RIZAL: Alam mo, Maria Clara, ikaw talaga ang pinakamahinhin babae nanakilala ko
MA. CLARA: (Ngiti, sabay takip ng abaniko sa mukha) Bolero!Hilahin
kotiti mo dyan eh..

A man went to the pharmacy to buy a condom
SALESLADY: P2,000 per piece, sir.
MAN: Whaaat? Why so expensive?
SALESLADY: Kasi pwede nating itesting sir

DONYA: Bilang bagong katulong, tandaan mo na ang almusal dito ay
alasaisempunto!
KATULONG: Walang problema, donya. Kapag tulog pa ako ng ganung oras,
maunana kayong mag almusal!

APO : Lolo kumain ho kayo kahit dalawang kutsara lng..
LOLO: Mga sira pala kayo?! Lugaw nga, nde ko malunok! Kutsara pa kaya!

PULIS: Sino nakasaksi sa aksidente?
LASENG: Ako sir! Kulay itim na van ang nakabangga!
PULIS: Nakuha mo ba ang plate number?
LASING:Hinde sir, nakaturnilyo eh.

Ganito magbigay ng masamang balita

KUMIRIRING ang telepono nang madaling araw....
"Hello, Master Carlos? Si Arnaldo po ito, 'yungkatiwala niyo sa bahay-bakasyunan niyo."
"O, Mr. Arnaldo, ikaw pala. Ano't napatawag ka? Mayproblema ba?
"Um, napatawag lang po ako para abisuhan kayo nanamatay ang alaga niyong parrot."
"'Yung parrot kong si Pikoy, patay? 'Yung nanalo sabird show?
"Opo, Master Carlos, 'yun na nga po."
"Putris ... sayang! Ang laki pa naman ng nagastos kosa ibong 'yon. Hay, buhay! Teka, ano nga ba angikinamatay niya?"
"E, kumain po kasi ng bulok na karne...."
"Bulok na karne? At sino namang salbaheng tao angnagpakain sa kanya ng bulok na karne?"
"W-Wala po. Nanginain po siya ng karne ng isang patayna kabayo."
"Patay na kabayo? Anong patay na kabayo, Mr Arnaldo?"
"E, 'yun pung mga thoroughbred horses niyo, Sir.Namatay po kasi lahat sila sa pagod, kahihila ngkariton ng tubig."
"Nasisiraan ka na ba ng bait? Anong kariton ngtubbbiiiiggggg?"
"'Yun pong pinampatay namin ng sunog."
"Diyos ko po! Anong sunog naman 'yang pinagsasasabimo?"
"'Yun pong halos tumupok sa bahay niyo.... Tumumba po'yung isang nakasinding kandila, tapos nagliyab 'yungkurtina at mabilis na kumalat ang apoy...."
"Ano? Puuut.... E, may kuryente naman diyan sabahay-bakasyunan, a. Para saan 'yung kandila?"
"Para sa burol po."
"Ano? Kaninong burol?
"Sa nanay n'yo po, Sir. Bigla kasi siya dumating ditonu'ng isang gabi, walang kaabi-abiso. Lampashatinggabi na. Akala ko po magnanakaw. Binaril ko."

Famous Lines

"Pinapaikot mo lang ako. Nagsasawa na ako. Mabuti pang patayin mlo na lang ako."
-electric fan
------------------------
"Hindi lahat ng walang salawal ay bastos"
-winnie d' pooh
------------------------
"Alam mo ba wala akong ibang hinangad kundi ang mapalapit saio. Pero patuloy ang pag-iwas mo"
-ipis
------------------------
"Hala! Sige magpakasasa ka! Alam ko namang katawan ko lang ang habol mo."
-hipon
------------------------
"Ayoko na! Pag nagmamahal ako lagi na lang maraming tao ang nagagalit! Wala ba akong karapatang magmahal?!?"
-gasolina
------------------------
"Hindi lahat ng green ay masustansya."
-plema
------------------------
"Hindi ko hinahangad na ipagmalaki mo na ako'y sau. Ayoko ko lang naman na sa harap ng maraming tao ganun mo na lang ako itanggi.."
-utot
------------------------

"Sawang sawa na ako palagi nalang akong pinagpapasa-pasahan, pagod na pagod na ako."
-bola
-----------------------

"You never know what you have till you lose it. And once you lose it, you can never get it back"
-snatcher
------------------------
"Hindi lahat ng pink, KIKAY!"
-majinboo
------------------------
Ginawa ko naman lahat para sumaya ka. Mahirap ba talagang makontento sa isa? Bakit palipat-lipat ka?"
-TV
------------------------
"Hindi lahat ng maasim may vitamin c"
-kili kili
------------------------
"Sige, batihin mo ako.... Sigeee..... BATEEEEEE!!!!!!!!"
-omelette
------------------------
Pilitin mo man na alisin ako sa buhay mo, babalik at babalik ako!
-libag
------------------------
"Wag mo na akong bilugin.."
-kulangot
------------------------
Paano tayo makakabuo kung hindi ako papatong sa iyo?"
-lego
------------------------
"Hindi lahat ng dugo puedeng idonate"
-regla
---------------------------------------
“Punyetang buhay to! Araw araw
na lang itlog”
-brief
-----------------------------
“Seguro nga hanggang dito na lang.
Seguro nga hindi na ako magiging sentro ng
atensyon mo, ok lang masaya na akong nasa
gilid lang ako ng paningin mo.”
-muta
----------------------------
"Biktima din kami ng abortion."
-balot
-----------------------------
"Daig ko pa ang pokpok! Kahit
sino na lang pinipilahan ako’t binabayaran!"
-cashier

Tawa muna tayo!!

GF: Hayop ka, niloloko mo ako!
BF: Bakit, wala naman akong ginagawa ah!
GF: Anong wala? Nakita kita kanina, may kasama kang ibang babae, magkahawakpa kamay nyo! Niloloko mo ako!
BF: Makinig ka muna... hindi kita niloloko, maniwala ka... Yung kasamakokanina ang niloloko ko!

Ifugao: Apply po ako ng sundalo, sir.
Officer: Hindi ka pwede, ang dami mong sirang ngipin, bungi ka pa!
Ifugao: Bakit sir, sa gyera ba ngayon, kagatan na ang labanan?

A lizard fell on a table.
Genius: Oh! reptila scincidae;
Kikay: Eew, lizard!;
Astig: Shit, butiki!;
Mataray: Shucks, butiks!;
Mayaman: Yuck! Lacoste!;
Mahirap: Pare, ulam!

Pedro: Saan ka galing, p're?
Berto: Sementeryo, libing ng byenan ko.
Pedro: Bakit puro kalmot ang mukha at braso mo?
Berto: Mahirap ilibing eh, lumalaban!

Bakit "S" ang nasa costume ni Superman?
Wala na kasing medium! Napansinmo,fit masyado, di ba?

Nanay: Hala, sige, layas! Huwag ka nang bumalik dito sa bahay! Simulangayon, huwag mo na akong tawaging nanay at hindi na rin kita tatawaginganak, naintindihan mo?
Anak: Sige dude, alis na ako.

Boy: Kukunin ko ang mga bituin at ibibigay ko sa iyo!Girl:
Shut up! Hindi mo nga makuha yang kulangot mo, bituin pa!
Boy: Ay sorry, hindi ko alam na ito pala ang gusto mo!

Ice cream ba talaga yung inendorse in Pacquiao sa TV ad nya na NestleIceCream? Akala ko kasi, softdrinks. Kasi, sabi nya, "Oh mga bata, Mirindana

priest at a church.
Lady: Father, ang gwapo at cute mo naman! Bakit ka pa kasi nagpari?
Priest: Dahil ayaw pumayag ng magulang ko na magmadre ako! Bruha!

Pedro: Alam mo, yung pusa namin, kahit nakalagay sa lamesa at walangtakipang ulam namin, hindi kinakain!
Juan: Maniwala ako?!
Pedro: Totoo!
Juan: Ano ba ang ulam nyo?
Pedro: Asin!


Nurse: Miss, gising na!
Patient: Ah, bakit?
Nurse: Oras na ng pag-inom ng gamot.
Patient: Anong gamot?
Nurse: Sleeping pills

Ama: Bakit ka umiiyak?
Anak: Pumasa po kasi ako sa test. Huhuhu!
Ama: Aba, magaling! Anong subject yun, anak?
Anak: Pregnancy test po itay!

Erap at Starbucks.
Erap: Waiter, isang kape nga!
Waiter: Sir, decaf ho ba?
Erap: Syempre! Bobo! Lahat ng kape, de cup!Bakit, may nakaplato ba?!

Sa prusisyon.
Pari: Ang mga boys, sunod sa karo ni San Jose, mga girls, sa karo niMamaMary.
Bakla: Kami father, saan kami susunod?
Pari: Mga bruha! Follow me!

Pedro: Ang tapang talaga ni Paeng! Biro mo, tumalon sa eroplano nangwalangparachute!
Leo: Ohh, totoo? Saan mo naman nabalitaan yan?
Pedro: Dun sa burol nya!

Anak: Inay, ang galing ng titser ko.
Inay: Bakit naman?
Anak: Tinuruan kami ng kagandahang asal.
Nanay: Eh di marunong ka nang gumalang at magpo at opo?
Anak: Natural! Tanga ka ba?

TUKMOL: Sino sa inyo ang matapang? Lumabas!
SIGA: Ako, matapang ako, bakit may problema ka?
TUKMOL: Wala po, survey lang ho. Ngayon, yung duwag naman ang lumabas!

Anak: Ma, hingi sana ako ng P50.
Nanay: P40? Ang laki naman ng P30! Anong gagawin mo sa P20? Akala momadaling kumita ng P10? O, eto P5.

Boy1: Bakit mo ako sinuntok?
Boy2: Tinawag mo akong hipopotamus!
Boy1: Last year pa yon! Tarantado!
Boy2: Eh kanina ko lang nakita picture ng hippopotamus, bobo!

May kwento ako tungkol sa lovelife ng ampalaya. Huwag na lang! Masyadongmapait!

Grabe! Biruin mo, 150,000 pesos daw, hot oil lang! 150,000 pesos angrebonding! Sobra naman yang David's Salon na yan! - Rapunzel.

Hindi makapagtimpla ng juice si Inday. Tahimik lang syang nakatitig saboteng juice. Dahil nakasulat: Concentrate.

katatawanan...

Policeman arresting a prostitute
Prosti: I am not selling sex
Police: Then what are you doing?
Prosti: I'm a saleswoman selling condoms with free demo.

Bush: What are the pollutants in your country?
Jingoy: We have lots of pollutants....we have sisig, kilawin, chicharon,mani
Erap: Anak, may nakalimutan ka, Boy Bawang (cornik).

Tindero: Hoy, bili ka gatas ng baka? P10 piso lang isang baso
Manong: Ang mahal naman, may tig piso lang nyan?
Tindero: Meron po, pero kayo na po ang dumede sa baka.

Pasyente: Dok, bakit po ganito ang operasyon sa ulo ko? Halos kita na utak ko
Doctor: Ok lang yan, yan ang tinatawag na open minded.

A naked girl rode on a taxi
"Bakit" asked the girl at the driver na nakatitig sa katawan nya "Ngayon ka langba nakakita ng hubad?"
Driver: "Hindi po miss, iniisip ko lang kung saan nakatago pamasahe mo

"Wife shouting..... "Honey magimpake ka na, nanalo ako sa lotto"
Husband: "Wow, anong dadalhin ko?"
Wife: "Wala akong pakialam basta lumayas ka na"

Pare 1: 'Pare, magkaiba medyas mo, isang pula at isang azul'
Pare 2: 'Ewan ko nga kung saan nabili ng misis ko ito. May isa pa nga akongpares na ganito rin and kulay sa bahay'

Juan: 'Itay, and classmate ko madamot.
Tatay: 'Bakit naman?'
Juan: 'Di man lang nya ako inimbita sa libing ng tatay nya...Nakakain sana akong kornik....Di ko rin siya iimbitahin sa libing mo itay ha....'

Hari: 'Ang hatol sa kasalanan mo, ipakain sa leon o pasukan ng bubuyog sa puwet'
Salarin: 'Gusto ko pong pasukan na lang po ng bubuyog sa puwet'
Hari: 'Hala, mga kawal, ilabas si Jollibee'

Wife: Dear, ano regalo mo sa akin sa 25th anniversary natin?
Husband: Dalhin kita sa AfricaWife: Wow, how sweet naman! Eh sa 50th anniversary?
Husband: Sunduin kita dun! Ok

Beauty contest.....
Emcee: What's the big problem facing the country today?
Contestant: Drugs
Emcee: Very good, why do you say that?
Contestant: Ang mahal kasi eh!

Kapag di sya hubad, hilahin mo ang saplot nya, den sabunutan mo ang bulbol nyasaka mo ngatngatin at sispsipin ang kanyang laman..........ganyan ang pag kainng MAIS.....

Amo: Bakit ka umiiyak?
Katulong: Sabi po ni dok tatangaling po ako ng butlig
Amo: Butlig lang iiyak ka na...
Katulong: Kasi ok lang kung right lig or left lig lang po pero bakit namanbutligs pa.....wah wah wah

Doc: Ano trabaho mo hija?
Girl: Substitute po
Doc: Hindi kaya prostitute?
Girl: Hindi po, mama ko po ang prostitute at kung may sakit siya ako po yungsubstitute....

Bus hinoldap......
Holdaper: Rereypin ko lahat ng babae d2
Prosti: Ako nalang po, maawa kayo sa kanila
Madre: Kapal mo...sabi nga lahat eh, pakialamera.....

Doc: For your health take only a cup of rice, lean meat and a saucer ofkangkong. Fruits for dessert and lots of juice....
Fat guy: Doc, shall I takethem before or after meals?

Erap: Pre, ang bilis ko natapos buuin yung puzzle!
Juan: Talaga pare? Gaano kabilis?
Erap: 5 months!
Juan: Ang tagal naman!
Erap: Tanga! Anong matagal?! Nakalagay nga dito "For 3 years and up!"

Erap: Lintik na ibon yon...Iniputan ako!
Guard: Sir, sandali lang po kukuha ako ng toilet paper...
Erap: Wag na! Paano mo pa mapupunasan yung pwet non eh nakalipad na! Tanga ka talaga!

FVR: Erap, may gift ako sayo from India.... 10 feet na snake...
Erap: Ows! Niloloko mo ba ako!? Di ako ganon katanga...wala namang feet ang snake noh! Gagong toh!

Erap calling emergency hotline: Please send help asap! My daughter is giving birth and turning blue.....
Operator: Calm down sir! Is this her first baby?
Erap: Gago! This is her father!

Erap: Tamad! Di ba sabi ko sayo diligan mo ang mga halaman!
Hardinero: Sir, umuulan naman po kasi eh!
Erap: Magpapalusot ka pa! Tanga!..... Eh di magkapote ka!

Erap: Doc, I accidentally swallowed a chicken bone!
Doctor: Is it choking?
Erap: No doc. It's Max's! Doctor: I didn't mean chowking. I said, are you choking?
Erap: No doc, I'm serious!

Erap: Lintik na shampoo to ayaw bumula
Maid: Sir eh hindi pa po basa buhok niyo
Erap : eh for Dry Hair nga eh.

Naliligo si Erap ng biglang lumindol... Taranta siyang lumabas na hubo't hubad......
Guard: Sir, may nakalimutan po ata kayong suotin....
Erap: Ay shet! ang Wristband ko!.. Oh No!

LUMANG JOKES

KNOW the movie "MULAN?"
Part four na yon!
First episode nun "Mulog," then "Midlat,"
Tapos "Mambon," saka pa lang "Mulan"
Coming soon na ang "Magyo,"
Next ang "Maha," finally "Maraw".
_________________________
SABI nila nauubos na raw ang mga puno, isda at ibon sa mundo.
Ang masakit pa rito ay dahan-dahan daw namamatay ang mga unggoy
Kaya naalala agad kita...ingat ka ha?
_________________________
If you were my CRUSH
I would admire you
If you were my FRIEND
I would treasure you
If you were ME, grabe mag artista ka na,
Sayang ka!
_________________________
WHEN I was lost you were there,
When I was down you were there.
When I was heartbroken you were there.
When I got really sick you were there.
ABA, hindi kaya ikaw ang malas sa buhay ko?
_________________________
I sent an angel to watch over you kanina
He/She returned to me and said:
GRABE! ANG KUTE NIYA!"
Binatukan ko nga,
Kasi sabi ko ikaw ang bantayan,
Hindi kung sinu-sino.
__________________________
I live a very difficult life.
I always get hurt.
Whenever people call me cute,
Heartthrob and gorgeous
It really hurts inside...totoo pala,
The truth hurts!!!
______________________________________
In the U.S, they have BILL CLINTON, JOHNNY CASH, BOB
HOPE and STEVIE WONDER.
In the Philippines, we have ERAP, NO BILL, NO CASH and
NO HOPE.....NO WONDER!!!
____________________________
Breaking News: Former Presidential Spokesman
Fernando Barican's dual citizenship has just been
confirmed. He is half-Filipino and half-Filipina!
DIOS KO DAY!!
_______________________________
Did you know that Brother Mike Velarde kicked
out all the gays from EL SHADDAI? As a result, they
got mad and formed their very own DIOSKODAI.
_________________________________________
MARCOS proved that you'll be very rich if you become President.
CORY proved anyone can be President.
ERAP is proving that we don't need a President.
__________________________________________
Q: Why are typhoons named after women?
A: Because when they come, they're wet and wild. And when they go,
they take your house and car with them.
________________________________
Witness: Pagkatapos ng krimen naghiwa-hiwalay na kami.
Translator: After the crime, we became sepa-separated.
______________________________________
Anong kalagayan ni pooh? POOHR
Anong gusto niyang car? RAV POOHR
Saaan siya nakatira? Sa POOH-NO,
Anong itsura niya? POOH-GI
Anong favorite color? POOH-SCHIA,
Sinong mas cute pa kay Pooh? AKO POOH!!!
________________________________________
A-you're Attractive
B-you're Brave,
C-you're Cute,
D-you're a Darling,
E-you're Exciting,
F-you're Funny,
G-you're so Great,
H-you're Heavenly,
I-I'm
J-Just,
K-Kidding......bwahahahahaha!!!!!!
_______________________________________
Ang Sigaw Ng Tao:
Kay MARC0S: MABUHAY PILIPIN0;
Kay C0RY: LABAN PILIPIN0,
RAM0S: SUL0NG PILIPIN0,
Kay ERAP: CASIN0 PILIPIN0....OH TAYA NA.
_____________________________________________
Subject: Cabinet reshuffle
With the continuing worsening of the situation and with no end in
sight to the hostage drama in Jolo, the Government has seriously
considered negotiating with the Abu Sayyaf.
One of the recommendations made in the recent Cabinet meeting was
to utilize and hire the members of the Abu Sayyaf movement to serve
the Government.
Since he has been contemplating on reshuffling his Cabinet anyway,
it was strongly recommended that Erap start hiring Muslims and have
them head the Goverment agenices. Initially, with their qualifications
and experience, the following have been appointed to these Government
agencies:
Abu Gado Dept of Justice
Abu Rido Dept of National Defense
Abu Nado Dept of Finance
Abu Loy Dept of Social Welfare
Abu Tan Bureau of Customs
Abu Sado Phil National Police
Abu So Dept of Tourism
Abu Lario Dept of Health
_______________________________________________________

Recite this using the Pilipino alphabet!)
B K W L K M G W
P R M S Y, T W K ........ H H H H
M S Y K N B ?
T W P ........H H H H H H
T M N, P R K N T NG !

Pinoy na Pinoy

Guro: Sino si Jose Rizal?
Juan: ' Di ko po kilala.
Guro: Ikaw, Pepe, sino si Jose Rizal?
Pepe: Di ko rin po kilala.
Guro: Do niyo kilala si Jose Rizal?!
Pedro: Ma'm, baka po sa kabilang section siya!

Paano humamon ng AWAY ang...BULAG? Magpakita kayo, mga duwag!
Paano humamon ng away ang DULING? Isa-isa lang kayo para patas ang laban!
Paano humamon ng away ng PILAY? Patay kung patay! Walang Takbuhan!

Bigo ka ba sa lab? Eto mga gud partner:
Kuba: Mapagkumbaba.
Pilay: Hindi ka tatakbuhan.
Bulag: Walang paki sa looks mo.
Pipi: Hindi nagbibitiw ng bad words.
Duling: Hindi ka hahayaang mag isa!

Husband: Kung di ako makaligtas sa operasyon ko bukas, ikaw na bahala sa ating mga anak. I love you....
Wife: He! Tumigil ka nga! Wala pang namamatay sa TULI!

Pedro: Pare galing ako sa doctor, nakabili na ako ng hearing aid...
Grabe ang lakas na ng pandinig ko!
Juan: Talaga? Magkano bili mo?
Pedro: Kahapon lang...

Girl: Doc, pa check up po.
Doc: Sige hubad ka ng panty at bra, tapos higa ka.
Girl: Hindi po ako, itong lola ko po.
Doc: Sige lola, hinga na lang ng malalim...

Sayings to live by:
1. Do not do unto others what you can't do.
2. When the cat is away, the mouse is alone.
3 If others can do it, don't help.
4. Tell me who your friends are and I'll tell you mine.
5. Early to bed and early to rise makes you sleepy in the afternoon

Frat Meeting
Leader: Pare balita ko bading ka daw, totoo ba?!
Ambo: Pare, Mga chismax lang yun galing sa mga chuvanes na walang magawa sa mga chenilyn nila... chura nila! hmpf!

Parishioner: Father, bakit may nakasampay na daster, bra at panty sa may kumbento? May asawa ka?
Father: Kung aasa ako sa mga donasyon nyo, di ako mabubuhay!
Tumatanggap ako ng labada!

Boy: Di na tuloy ang kasal natin
Girl: Bakit?!
Boy: Kuya mo kasi eh!
Girl: Hindi no! Gusto ka ng Kuya ko!
Boy: Yun nga eh.. gusto ko rin ang kuya mo!cry

English: Eat all you can, dont be shy... feel at home...
Tagalog: Kain lang kayo ng kain. Walang hiya kayo...pakiramdam nyo bahay nyo ito!

Juan: San ka galing?
Pedro: sementeryo, libing ng biyenan ko.
Juan: E bakit puro kamot ang mukha at braso mo?
Pedro: Mahirap ilibing eh... Lumalaban!!

Two nurses on duty...
Nurse 1: Hoy! Gaga, bakit may thermometer sa tenga mo!
Nurse 2: Ha? susmaryosep! kaninong pwet ko kaya naiwan yung ballpen ko!

Ano English ng "baka maswerte ako? Beef Lucky Me!
Ano ang "maswerte ako Inay?" Lucky Me Mami!
Ano ang "maswerte akong lalake?" Lucky Me with Egg!Shades

Nay, bakit po VICTORIA ang pangalan ni Ate?
Kasi, anak, dun namin siya ginawa ng itay mo...
Eh bakit si Kuya, ANITO?
Ay, tumigil ka na nga, Luneta, at baka mapalo kita! Dali, tawagin mo si Kuya FX mo! Wink

A mental patient is singing while lying on a hospital bed. After a
Song dumapa sya.
The nurse asked: "O, bakit ka bumaliktad?"
Patient: "Adik ka ba?! Side B na kaya!"

Ama: Binuntis mo ang anak ko! Panagutan mo!
BF: May asawa na po ako!
Ama: Paano 'to?
BF: Areglo na lang po. 2 million pesos kapag boy, 2.5 million Kapag girl.
Ama: Ok, pero pag nakunan. GIB HER ANADER CHANS, ha?

Misis: lolokohin ko mister ko, magpapanggap ako na prosti dito sa Kanto namin
(dumaan ang mister nya...)
Misis: Pogi! available ako ngayon, pwede ka ba?
Mister: Yoko sayo kamukha mo misis ko!

Maid: Sir sinong mas yummy? si mam ba o ako?
Sir: Syempre naman ikaw day! bakit?
Maid: Naguguluhan lang po kasi ako eh. Sabi kasi ng driver, eh
Mas yummy daw talaga si Ma'am!

A chinese and Steven Spielberd were drunk in a bar...
Spielberg hit the chinese...
Chinese: why you hit me?
Spielberg: coz you bombed Pearl Harbor, my father died there.
Chinese: but I am chinese not Japanese, stupid!
Spielberg: Japanese, Vietnamese, Chinese... all the same!
... chinese punched Spielberg Spielberg: why you hit me too?
Chinese: Thats for the sinking of TITANIC.
Spielberg: but the Titanic was sunk by an iceberg, you fool!
Chinese: Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg... you are all the same!!

Wife: Dear, ano reglamo mo sa 25th Anniversary natin?
Husband: Dalhin kita sa Africa...
Wife: Wow! How sweet naman... eh! sa 50th Anniversary natin?
Husband: Susunduin na kita!

Husband comes home 4AM and discovers his wife in bed with another man.
His wife shouts at him: "Where have you been?"
Husband: "Who is that man?!?"
Wife: "Grabe ka! Dont change the topic!!"

BUS HINOLDAP!
Holdaper: Re-reypin ko lahat ng babae dito!
Prosti: Ako na lang po, maawa kayo sa iba..
Lola: Sinabi na ngang LAHAT eh! Sasagot pa! Gagang 'to!

Pedro bumps against a foreigner.
Pedro: Ay, sori!
Foreigner: Sorry, too.
Pedro: Sori three.
Foreigner: What are you sorry for?
Pedro: 'Kala mo bobo ako ha! sori 5.
Foreigner: I think you are sick!
Pedro: Hahahaha! Sick daw, seven sunod!

Mister: Di ko na kaya problema ko!
Misis: Hon, problema natin ito, tayo ang magkasama sa buhay, lahat
ng problema mo, problema ko...
Ano bang problema natin?
Mister: Nabuntis natin si Inday. Tayo ang ama!

Pedro: Pare bakit malungkot ka?
Juan: Asawa ko nag hire ng driver, Gwapo, Bata, Macho!
Pedro: Nagseselos ka?
Juan: Nagtataka lang ako kasi wala kaming sasakyan!

Dan Torres from Bicol, TNT sa America...
Grocery Cashier: Visa or Master?
Dan: (kinabahan) Hanap Visa ko!
(Nagmadali sumakay sa kotse, but he need gas)
Gasoline Boy: Pay first..
Dan (nerbyos na nerbyos) Patay! Papers daw...
(runs to the booth to call home)
Operator: AT&T, can I help you?
Dan: (namutla): Alam na TNT ako!!
(Labas sya ng booth)
Kano: Are you done?
Dan(pawisan): Alam nila name ko?!
Kano: Tourist?
Dan: Apelyido rin?!
Kano: Be cool!
Dan: Pati Probinsya ko?!
(Hinimatay si Dan)Big Smile

Anak: Tay, bibili ako ng band paper
Itay: Anak, wag kang bobo ha? Hindi "band paper", ang tawag dun!
Anak: Ano po ba?
Itay: Kokongban"

Chinese on his deathbed...
Akyen panganay, nandyan ba?
Opo.
Akyen junior nandyan ba?
Opo.
Akyen asawa nandyan ba?
Opo.
Anak ng... lahat kayo nandito! ala tao sa tindahan!

Teacher: Sino pumatay kay Magellan, may initial na LL?
Student: Lito Lapid?
Teacher: Inuulit ang pangalan nya...
Student: Lito Lito?
Teacher: Mahaba buhok nya!
Student: Lot Lot?
Teacher: Madami sila...
Student: Lot Lot and Friends? Wink

Three girls make paalam to their Dad...
Girl 1: Dad, I'm going out with Pete to Eat.
Girl 2: I'm going out with Lance to Dance.
Girl 3: I'm going out with Chuk to...
Dad: Ah, hinde! dito ka lang sa bahay!!!

Alam mo ba kung bakit may sabaw ang balot?
Kung Ikaw kaya ang ikulong sa shell... saan ka ji-jingle?
Aber?
Saan??
Sumagot kaaaa!!!
SaaaAANNNNNNN ?!?!?!

Farmer: lalaki na talaga ang aking anak kasi magsasaka na, "ano ang plano mong itanim sa sakahan mo anak?"
Anak: flowers papa! lots of Bongacious Flowers!!
Ama: Hoy! Huwag kang babakla bakla ha?
Anak: Hindi po Itay, pupunta nga ako ng basketbolan eh!
Ama: Yan! Astig!
Anak: Inay? nakita mo yung POMPOMS ko?
Ina: Alin? yung pink?

Pare 1: Pare, sa wakas nag ka GF na rin ako!!
Pare 2: Bakit!?! Ngayon ka lang ba nagka GF?
Pare 1: OO pare! sobrang higpit kasi ni Misis eh! Ngayon lang ako nakalusot!

Prospective Employer to Applicant: " So why did you leave your previous job?"
Applicant: " The company relocated and they did not tell me where!"

Misis: " Sir, mananawagan po sana ako sa mister ko kasi dinala n iya ang limang anak namin."
Radio Host: " Ok, go ahead!"
Misis: Badong, ito si Nene. Umuwi ka na. Ibalik mo na ang mga bata... isa lang naman ang sa i yo diyan!"
WIFE: Himala! Aga mong umuwi ngayon.
HUSBAND: Sunod ko lang utos ng boss ko. Sabi nya "GO TO HELL", k aya ito uwi agad ako.

Lasing (takot): may multo sa banyo natin!
Wife: ha? Bakit?
Lasing: kasi bumubukas yung ilaw pag papasok ako ng banyo eh.
Wife: punyeta ka! ikaw pala umiihi sa ref!

AMO: Sagutin mo ang telepon, Inday!
INDAY: (baligtad ang hawak) Hilo? Hilo?
AMO: Baligtarin mo!
INDAY: Lo-hi? Lo-hi?
AMO: Mali! Telepono ang baligtarin mo!
INDAY: Pun-tili? Pun-tili?

Juan: bday ng asawa ko
Pedro: ano regalo mo?
Juan: tinanong ko kung ano gusto niya.
P: ano naman sinabi?
J: Kahit ano basta may DIAMOND.
P: ano binigay mo?
J: Baraha.

Pasyente: Takot ako bunot ipin!
Doktor: Wag ka takot, bigyan kita gamot, pangpatapang! (Pasyente
Inom gamot)
Doktor: O tapang ka na?
Pasyente: Sige #@%!^& Subukin mong galawin