NO! NO! NO!"

A guy with a 25-inch peepee went to a doctor and
said, "I can't live with this anymore! It's too long."

The doctor replied, "I can't do anything for you, but if you see the
witchdoctor in the bayou, she can help you."

So, he went to the bayou and saw the witch doctor.
The witch doctor said,
"Go into the swamp and find a female frog. Ask her
to marry you. She'll say> 'No' and you'll lose 5 inches off your member!"

So, he went to the swamp and found the frog and asked her, "Will you marry
me?"

"No!" she said.

He lost 5 inches off his member! The guy liked the
results, and thought, 20 inches is just too much. So he asked the frog
again,
"Will you marry me?"

The frog said, "No!" And the guy lost another 5 inches. He thought, 15
inches is great! But 10 inches would just be perfect. So he asked, "Will you
marry me?"

And the frog said, "How many times do I have to tell
you...NO! NO! NO!"

There was a blind girl ..

There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind.
She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there
for her.
She told her boyfriend, "If I could only see the world, I will marry
you."

One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her. When the bandages came
off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend.

He asked her,'Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?'
The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. The sight
of his closed eyelids shocked her. She hadn't expected that. The thought
of looking at them the rest of her life led her to refuse to marry
him.

Her boyfriend left her in tears and days later wrote a note to her
saying: 'Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before they were yours,
they were mine.'

This is how the human brain often works when our status changes.
Only a very few remember what life was like before, and who was always
by their side in the most painful situations.

Life Is a Gift

Today before you say an unkind word -
Think of someone who can't speak.

Before you complain about the taste of your food - Think of someone who
has nothing to eat.

Before you complain about your husband or wife - Think of someone who's
crying out to GOD for a companion.


Today before you complain about life -
Think of someone who went too early to heaven.

Before you complain about your children -
Think of someone who desires children but they're barren.

Before you argue about your dirty house someone didn't clean or sweep -
Think of the people who are living in the streets.

Before whining about the distance you drive -
Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet.

And when you are tired and complain about your job -
Think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your
job.

But before you think of pointing the finger or condemning another -
Remember that not one of us is without sin and we all answer to one
MAKER.

And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down - Put a smile on your
face and thank GOD you're alive and still around.

Do you have .....

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.
She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina".

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man
and he asks the same question of the woman "Do you have a vagina".
She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened
for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice
"Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.
The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice
"Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy
I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it".
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.
Do you have vagina".......

"Yes" she says......

The man replies..
"Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours ?"

A Saudi being interviewed.....

A Saudi being interviewed at the US Embassy for Visa....
COUNSEL: "Your name, please"?
SAUDI : "Salem".
COUNSEL: "Sex?"
SAUDI : "Always".
COUNSEL: "I mean male or female?"
SAUDI : "Both male & female and sometimes camels".
COUNSEL: "Holy cow!"
SAUDI : "Yes, cows too".
COUNSEL: "Sir, isn't that hostile?"
SAUDI : "Horse Style, dog style, any style!
COUNSEL: "Oh dear!"
SAUDI : " Deer!! No deer, they run too fast

Joke again...

Mister: Kung gagawa ako ng pelikula, gusto ko, ako si
ZORRO!
Misis: E ako, sino?
Mister: Si DACOS!
Misis: Dacos? Sino 'yun?
Mister: DA COS of all my ZORROs!
----------- ---------- ------------ -- ------------ - --------
Job interview:
Boss: Ano ang alam mo?
Rommel: Alam ko po kung saan kayo nakatira ng misis
niyo, at kung saan nakatira ang kabit niyo.
Boss: Tanggap ka na!
------------ -- ------------ ---- ------------ - ------------
Tomas: Sobrang tabatsoy ang misis ko, kaya gusto
niyang magbawas ng timbang. Nag-horseback riding
siya...
Jorge: Ano'ng resulta?
Tomas: Nabawasan ng sampung kilo 'yung kabayo!
------------ ---- ------------ --- ------------ - ------------
Ama: Kumusta ang pag-aaral mo?
Anak: Nag-lesson at test po kami tungkol sa mga manok.
Ama: Ano, madali ba?
Anak: Chicken na chicken!
Ama: Anong grade mo?
Anak: Itlog po.
------------ -- --------- ----------- ---------- ----------
Dalawang holdaper sa bangko:

Holdaper #1: Yehey! Mayaman na tayo!
Holdaper #2: Bilangin mo na!
Holdaper #1: Alam mo namang mahina ako sa math. Abangan na lang natin sa balita kung magkano!
-------- ----------- ----------- ------------ ------------
Pasyente: Okey ba ang services sa ospital na ito?
Doktor: Oo naman. Sigurado 'yon.
Pasyente: Paano kung hindi ako satisfied?
Doktor: Ibabalik namin ang sakit mo.
------------ ------------ ------------ -- ------------ -----------

3 tanga nagsisiksikan sa maliit na ** kama **:*

TANGA1: Pare, di tayo kasya. Bawas tayo ng isa, sa lapag na
lang matulog. (Bumaba si Tanga 1.)
TANGA2: Ayan, pare maluwag na, akyat kana dito!

************ ********* **
Dear Dodong,
Sa susunod anak, Nido non-fat na lang ang ipadala mo sa tatang mo. Nasisira kasi ang tiyan niya sa pinadala mong Nivea Moisturing Milk...
Nagmamahal - Nanay

************ ********* **
ANAK: ' Tay , penge ng pera. May project kami. Bibili ako
ng "cocomban".
TATAY: Ano ka ba naman. Hangga ngayon "cocomban" pa rin ang tawag mo!
ANAK: Ano po ba ang tama?
TATAY: Bomb paper!

************ ********* ********* **
MISIS: Dear, iligaw mo nga tong pusa. Nakasako na.
Dalhin mo sa malayo!
MISTER: Ok!
MISIS: Bakit ka ginabi? Niligaw mo ba ang pusa?
MISTER: Bwisit na pusang yan! Kundi ko siya sinundan, di
ako nakauwi!

************ ********* ********
PEDRO: Galing ako sa doktor, nakabili na ako ng hearing
aid. Grabe ang linaw ngayon nang pandinig ko!
JUAN: Wow, galing! Magkanong bili mo sa hearing aid?
PEDRO: Kahapon lang!

************ ********* ********* ******
At a funeral...

ERAP: Tara na, Jinggoy. Alis na tayo!
JINGGOY: Kararating pa lang natin a!
ERAP: Naku mahirap nang maiwan. Basahin mo o: "REMAINS WILL BE CREMATED."

************ ********* ********
Tanga 1: Ano bang hinahanap mo diyan sa supot ng 3-in-1
coffee. Kanina ka pa silip nang silip diyan.
Tanga 2: Hinahanap ko yung libreng asukal. Nakasulat kasi sa
karton "SUGAR FREE."
************ ********* *******
JUAN: Pare, ang bilis kong nabuo 'tong puzzle!
PEDRO: Talaga? Gaano kabilis?
JUAN: 5 months!
PEDRO: Tagal naman!
JUAN: Tagal ba 'yun? Nakalagay nga dito: "for 3 years & up"!

George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . .. You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS !!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them.'

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge .

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Breakfast at McDonald's

This is a good story and is true, please read it all the way
through until the end! (After the story, there are some very
interesting facts!):

I am a mother of three (ages 14, 12, 3) and have recently
completed my college degree.

The last class I had to take was Sociology.

The teacher was absolutely inspiring with the
qualities that I wish every human being had been graced with.

Her last project of the term was called, "Smile."

The class was asked to go out and smile at three
people and document their reactions.

I am a very friendly person and always smile at
everyone and say hello anyway. So, I thought this would be a
piece of cake, literally.

Soon after we were assigned the project, my
husband, youngest son, and I went
out to McDonald's one crisp
March morning.

It was just our way of sharing special playtime
with our son.
We were standing in line, waiting to be served,
when all of a sudden everyone around us began to back away,
and then even my husband did.

I did not move an inch... an overwhelming feeling of
panic welled up inside of me as I turned to see why
they had moved.

As I turned around I smelled a horrible "dirty body"
smell, and there standing behind me were two poor homeless
men.

As I looked down at the short gentleman, close to
me, he was "smiling".
His beautiful sky blue eyes were full of God's Light
as he searched for acceptance.

He said, "Good day" as he counted the few coins
he had been clutching.

The second man fumbled with his hands as he stood
behind his friend. I realized the second man was
mentally challenged and the blue-eyed gentleman was his salvation.

I held my tears as I stood there with them.

The young lady at the counter asked him what
they wanted.

He said, "Coffee is all Miss" because that was all
they could afford. (If they wanted to sit in the restaurant and
warm up, they had to buy something. He just wanted to be warm).

Then I really felt it - the compulsion was so
great I almost reached out and embraced the little man with the
blue eyes.

That is when I noticed all eyes in the restaurant were
set on me, judging my every action.

I smiled and asked the young lady behind the counter
to give me two more breakfast meals on a separate tray.

I then walked around the corner to the table that
the men had chosen as a resting spot. I put the tray on the>table and laid
my hand on the blue-eyed gentleman's cold hand.

He looked up at me, with tears in his eyes, and said,
"Thank you."

I leaned over, began to pat his hand and said, "I did not do
this for you. God is here working through me to give you hope."

I started to cry as I walked away to join my husband
and son.

When I sat down my husband smiled at me and said, "That is
why God gave you to me, Honey, to give me hope."

We held hands for a moment and at that time, we knew
that only because of the Grace that we had been given were
we able to give.

We are not church goers, but we are believers.

That day showed me the pure Light of God's sweet love.

I returned to college, on the last evening of class, with
this story in hand.

I turned in "my project" and the instructor read it.

Then she looked up at me and said, "Can I share this?"

I slowly nodded as she got the attention of
the class.

She began to read and that is when I knew that we, as
human beings, and being part of God share this need to heal
people and to be healed.

In my own way I had touched the people at McDonald's,
my son, instructor, and every soul that shared the
classroom on the last night I spent as a college student.

I graduated with one of the biggest lessons I would
ever learn:

UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE.

Much love and compassion is sent to each and every
person who may read this and learn how to

LOVE PEOPLE AND USE THINGS - NOT LOVE THINGS AND
USE PEOPLE.

Reason why never visit a 5* Hotel

Question : "What would you like to have ..Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo , or Coffee?"

Answer: "tea please"
Question : " Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea ?"
Answer : " Ceylon tea "
Question : "How would you like it ? black or white ?"
Answer: "white"
Question: "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ?"
Answer: "With milk "
Question: "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk"
Answer: "With cow milk please.
Question: " Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?"
Answer: " Um, I'll take it black. "
Question: " Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"
Answer: "With sugar"
Question: " Beet sugar or cane sugar ?"
Answer: "Cane sugar "
Question:" White , brown or yellow sugar ?"
Answer: "Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead."
Question: "Mineral water or still water ? "
Answer: "Mineral water"
Question: "Flavored or non-flavored ?"
Answer: "I'll rather die of thirst

The perfect husband

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club. After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.

Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

H - Husband, W - Wife)
H - "Hello?"
W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
H - "Yes."
W -"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
H -"What's the price?"
W - "Only $1,000."
H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
W -"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2005 models. I saw one I really liked. It's a SLK model. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price. and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year...
H - "What price did he quote you?"
W - "Only $65,000..."
H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else...
H -"What?"
W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beach front property."
H - "How much are they asking?"
W - "Only $450,000 -- a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $420,000. OK?"
W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
H - "Bye...I love you too..."
The man hangs up & closes the phone's flap. The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision. The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks "Does anyone know who this Cell phone belong to???"

Marvelous answer

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hello Doctor!! Please come over here for a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work? "

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic.....

He said: "Try to do it when the engine is running".

Family problems?

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.

The Indian man said to the American,"You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once.

We call this arranged marriage.I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love...I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems."

The American said, "Talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story.

I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years.

"After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.

My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.

More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson.

Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.

And you say you have family problems.. ?

Hospital Window (Story)

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room.

One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs.
His bed was next to the room's only window.

The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.

The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation.

Every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.

The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside.

The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.

As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene.

One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by.

Although the other man couldn't hear the band - he could see it. In his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.

Days and weeks passed.

One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.

As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.

Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside. He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed.

It faced a blank wall.

The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window.

The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall.

She said, "Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you."


Epilogue:


There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations.

Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled.

If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can't buy.

Know God..

An atheist professor of philosophy speaks to his class on the problem Science has with God, The Almighty.

He asks one of his new students to stand and.....

Prof: So you believe in God?
Student: Absolutely, sir.
Prof: Is God good?
Student: Sure.

Prof: Is God all-powerful?
Student: Yes.

Prof: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to God to heal him.

Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But God didn't. How is this God good then? Hmm? (Student is silent.)

Prof: You can't answer, can you? Let's start again, young fellow. Is God good?
Student: Yes.
Prof: Is Satan good ?
Student: No.
Prof: Where does Satan come from?
Student: From...God.. .

Prof: That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?
Student: Yes.
Prof: Evil is everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything. Correct?
Student: Yes.
Prof: So who created evil?
(Student does not answer. )

Prof: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don't they?

Student: Yes, sir.
Prof: So, who created them?
( Student has no answer.)

Prof: Science says you have 5 senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son...Have you ever seen God?
Student: No, sir.
Prof: Tell us if you have ever heard your God?
Student: No, sir.

Prof: Have you ever felt your God, tasted your God, smelt your God? Have you ever had any sensory perception of God for that matter?
Student: No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.
Prof: Yet you still believe in Him ?
Student: Yes.

Prof: According to empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your GOD doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?
Student: Nothing. I only have my faith.
Prof: Yes. Faith. And that is the problem science has.
Student: Professor, is there such a thing as heat?
Prof: Yes.
Student: And is there such a thing as cold?
Prof: Yes.
Student: No sir. There isn't.

(The lecture theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events .)
Student: Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don't have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat,

But we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold.

Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.

(There is pin-drop silence in the lecture theatre .)

Student: What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?
Prof: Yes. What is night if there isn't darkness?
Student: You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light....But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and its called darkness, isn't it? In reality, darkness isn't.

If it were you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?
Prof: So what is the point you are making, young man?
Student: Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.
Prof: Flawed? Can you explain how?

Student: Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure.

Sir, science can't even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one.

To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?

Prof: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.

Student: Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?

(The Professor shakes his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument is going.)

Student: Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavour, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher?

(The class is in uproar .)

Student: Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor's brain?

(The class breaks out into laughter.)

Student: Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor's brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, sir.

With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?

(The room is silent . The professor stares at the student, his face unfathomable. )

Prof: I guess you'll have to take them on faith, son.
Student: That is it sir... The link between man & god is FAITH .

That is all that keeps things moving & alive....... ......... ..

Dancing With God

When I meditated on the word Guidance ,
I kept seeing "dance" at the end of the word.

I remember reading that doing God's will is a lot like dancing.
When two people try to lead, nothing feels right.
The movement doesn't flow with the music,
and everything is quite uncomfortable and jerky.

When one person realizes that, and lets the other lead,
both bodies begin to flow with the music.
One gives gentle cues, perhaps with a nudge to the back
or by pressing Lightly in one direction or another.

It's as if two become one body, moving beautifully.
The dance takes surrender, willingness,
and attentiveness from one person
and gentle guidance and skill from the other.

My eyes drew back to the word Guidance.
When I saw " G: I thought of God, followed by " U " and "I ".
"God, "U" and "I" dance."
God, you, and I dance.

As I lowered my head, I became willing to trust
that I would get guidance about my life.
Once again, I became willing to let God lead.

My prayer for you today is that God's blessings and mercies
be upon you on this day and everyday.

May you abide in God as God abides in you.

Dance together with God,
trusting God to lead and to guide you
through each season of your life.

DID YOU KNOW THESE FACTS?

Death is certain but the Bible speaks about untimely death!

Make a personal reflection about this.....

Very interesting, read until the end.....
It is written in the Bible (Galatians 6:7):

"Be not deceived; God is not mocked:
for whatsoever a man soweth,
that shall he also reap.

Here are some men and women
who mocked God :

John Lennon (Singer):

Some years before, during his interview with an American Magazine, he said:

"Christianity will end, it will disappear.
I do not have to argue about
that. I am certain.

Jesus was ok, but his subjects were too simple, Today we are more famous than Him" (1966).

Lennon, after saying that the Beatles were more famous than Jesus Christ, was shot six times.

Tancredo Neves (President of Brazil ):
During the Presidential campaign, he said if he got 500,000 votes from his party, not even God would remove him from Presidency.

Sure he got the votes, but he got sick a day before being made President, then he died .

Cazuza (Bi-sexual Brazilian composer, singer and poet):

During A show in Canecio ( Rio de Janeiro ),

while smoking his cigarette, he puffed out some smoke into the air and said: "God, that's for you."

He died at the age of 32 of AIDS in a horrible manner.

The man who built the Titanic

After the construction of Titanic, a reporter asked him how safe the Titanic would be.

With an ironic tone he said:
"Not even God can sink it"

The result: I think you all know what happened to the Titanic .

Marilyn Monroe (Actress)

She was visited by Billy Graham during a presentation of a show.
He said the Spirit of God had sent him to preach to her.
After hearing what the Preacher had to say, she said:
"I don't need your Jesus".

A week later, she was found dead in her apartment .

Bon Scott (Singer)
The ex-vocalist of the AC/DC. On one of his 1979 songs he sang:
"Don't stop me, I'm going down all the way, down the highway to hell".

On the 19th of February 1980, Bon Scott was found dead, he had been choked by his own vomit .

Campinas (IN 2005)
In Campinas, Brazil a group of friends, drunk, went to pick up a friend.....
The mother accompanied her to the car and was so worried about the drunkenness of her friends and she said to the daughter holding her hand, who was already seated in the car:

"My Daughter, Go With God And May He Protect You.."
She responded: "Only If He (God) Travels In The Trunk, Cause Inside Here.....It's Already Full "

Hours later, news came by that they had been involved in a fatal accident, everyone had died,
the car could not be recognized what type of car it had been, but surprisingly, the trunk was intact.

The police said there was no way the trunk could have remained intact. To their surprise, inside the trunk was a crate of eggs, none was broken .

Christine Hewitt (Jamaican Journalist and entertainer) said the Bible (Word of God) was the worst book ever written.

In June 2006 she was found burnt beyond recognition in her motor vehicle .

Many more important people have forgotten that there is no other name that was given so much authority as the name of Jesus.

Many have died, but only Jesus died and rose again, and he is still alive .
"Jesus"

Bathtub Test....

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the
Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not
a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we
offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucketto the patient and ask
him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would
use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the
teacup."

" No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the
plug. Do you want a bed near the window? "

When the Spirit of Truth comes

by Carolyn Baker

Today, I’ve asked my friend, Carolyn Baker, to provide us with a devotional based upon John 16:13-14. This is written to be read like a prayer. – jw

But when he, the Spirit of Truth, comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come. He will bring glory to me by taking from what is mine and making it known to you. (John 16: 13-14 NIV)

My God, today I look deep within, seeking to understand the mysteries of my faith. Your Word is true and deep – yet my meager understanding only grasps bits and pieces. Your Holy Spirit is my hope for unlocking what I cannot discern with my own human understanding – and I cry out for your help! As I cry, I hear your call to rest in your peace!

Thank you, Lord, that your love is so great for those who have yet to find you – and that even though there is a great unrest afoot, you are at work causing “all things to work together for good.” What an awesome God we serve!

I am praying for all of my brothers and sisters, Lord, that they will stand their ground. For those you have called as your leaders, now is the time to dig their feet in and stand on your truths and on your power to accomplish all things according to your will. I hear you remind me that you will keep us safe and strong. You have always had your eyes on us from the moment of our birth. We have never been alone, even when we felt alone.

May your angels of protection follow my brothers and sisters all around the world, into every country and village. May the presence of our Lord and Savior be apparent to all with eyes to see and ears to hear, and may every stronghold within the sound of our prayers be brought down as many new brothers and sisters are brought safely into the family of God.

I know you do not expect perfection. I know you use struggles to grow and refine us. I also know we are not to fear struggles – and we are to anticipate your greatness and your victories, no matter what circumstances we face. Draw us all to yourself so we can see you as you are, which in itself will wipe away the fears.

I humble myself before you, my God, knowing you are who you say you are. It is a sobering and exhilarating experience to look to you as you are. I do not understand it all, but my faith is not blind. You are revealing yourself to all of us in these days – if we will just look in Your direction.

I cry out to your Holy Spirit, needing your help! I cannot continue on as you have called me without a deeper, more intimate walk with you. My human side can only understand and comprehend so much, but my spiritual being is built to last forever – and can absorb all the Holy Spirit has to share.

Even though, with each passing day, the challenges seem to get a little harder, my peace seems to increase. I appear to have less and less “head knowledge” ruling my life, and more and more spiritual learnings that are absorbing into my inner being. Only your Holy Spirit can accomplish such a thing!

I also know that, left to my own devices, I would easily fall victim to the fears and struggles of this world. That is why my dependence on your Holy Spirit is so vital. Without the presence of your Holy Spirit guiding and directing me, I would have been sidelined years ago. Yet, here I sit, beaten up and bruised, yes, but even more determined to fight the fight of faith.

I cry out today for a deeper faith – a stronger trust – and greater dependence on the Holy Spirit and your Word. I cannot live in this world any longer without your wisdom. Spiritually, I am so very hungry, and I know the people you have placed me with are the same. To say we need a fresh new wind of your Spirit is to put it very mildly.

For myself, I cannot take one more step unless you shine your light on it. In these days especially, I need your wisdom and discernment. I have many decisions to make, so I humble myself under your sovereign hand and ask the Holy Spirit to shine his light on my path so I do not misstep. Help me my God – I am in desperate need!

So what?

•God is mighty, all powerful, loving and compassionate - and God is spirit. You were created to have fellowship with him. Because of this, you have a deep inner need for a intimate, personal spiritual relationship with your Creator.

•It truly is possible to walk closely with God every single day of your life. You can learn to listen and hear his “still, small voice,” and as you do your confidence will grow and your hope will increase. As you surrender to his lordship, he will increase your understanding of his truths, and over time you will gain his wisdom and his discernment.

•Being able to see with the eyes of God’s heart changes everything. It makes all thing possible and allows you to be a living, breathing witness of a truth that will set this world free from fear and struggle.

•Ask yourself what is stopping you from reaching out to him in “spirit and in truth?”

Happiness...

Happiness keeps You Sweet,

Trials keep You Strong,

Sorrows keep You Human,

Failures keep You Humble,

Success keeps You Glowing,

But Only God keeps You Going!

You are so special!

MY SHORT ESSAY ABOUT THE PHILIPPINES

BY:Jaeyoun Kim

Filipinos always complain about the corruption in
the Philippines . Do you really think the corruption
is the problem of the Philippines ? I do not
think so. I strongly believe that the problem is
the lack of love for the Philippines .

Let me first talk about my country, Korea .
It might help you understand my point.
After the Korean War, South Korea was one
of the poorest countries in the world. Koreans
had to start from scratch because entire country was
destroyed after the Korean War, and we had no
natural resources.

Koreans used to talk about the Philippines , for
Filipinos were very rich in Asia . We envy Filipinos.
Koreans really wanted to be well off like
Filipinos. Many Koreans died of famine.
My father & brother also died because of famine.
Korean government was very corrupt and is still very
corrupt beyond your imagination, but Korea was
able to develop dramatically because Koreans really
did their best for the common good with their heart
burning with patriotism.

Koreans did not work just for themselves but also
for their neighborhood and country. Education inspired
young men with the spirit of patriotism.

40 years ago, President Park took over the
government to reform Korea . He tried to borrow money
from other countries, but it was not possible to get a
loan and attract a foreign investment because the
economic situation of South Korea was so bad. Korea had
only three factories. So, President Park sent many mine
workers and nurses to Germany so that
they could send money to Korea to build a factory.
They had to go through horrible experience.

In 1964, President Park visited Germany to borrow
money. Hundred of Koreans in Germany came to the
airport to welcome him and cried there as they saw
the President Park . They asked to him, "President,
when can we be well off?" That was the only question
everyone asked to him. President Park cried with
them and promised them that Korea would be well
off if everyone works hard for Korea , and the President
of Germany got the strong impression on them
and lent money to Korea . So, President Park was
able to build many factories in Korea . He always
asked Koreans to love their country from their heart.

Many Korean scientists and engineers in the USA
came back to Korea to help developing country
because they wanted their country to be well off.
Though they received very small salary, they did their
best for Korea . They always hoped that their children
would live in well off country.

My parents always brought me to the places where
poor and physically handicapped people live. They
wanted me to understand their life and help them.
I also worked for Catholic Church when I was in the army.
The only thing I learned from Catholic Church was that we
have to love our neighborhood. And, I have loved my
neighborhood. Have you cried for the
Philippines ? I have cried for my country several
times. I also cried for the Philippines because of so many
poor people. I have been to the New Bilibid
prison. What made me sad in the prison were the
prisoners who do not have any love for their country.
They go to mass and work for Church. They pray
everyday.

However, they do not love the Philippines . I
talked to two prisoners at the maximum-security compound,
and both of them said that they would leave the
Philippines right after they are released from the
prison. They said that they would start a new life in other
countries and never come back to the Philippines .

Many Koreans have a great love for Korea so that
we were able to share our wealth with our neighborhood.
The owners of factory and company were distributed their
profit to their employees fairly so that employees could
buy what they needed and saved money for the
future and their children.

When I was in Korea , I had a very strong faith and
wanted to be a priest. However, when I came to the Philippines ,
I completely lost my faith.
I was very confused when I saw many unbelievable
situations in the Philippines . Street kids always make me sad,
and I see them everyday. The Philippines is the only Catholic
country in Asia , but there are too many poor people here.
People go to church every Sunday to pray, but nothing has
been changed.

My parents came to the Philippines last week and
saw this situation. They told me that Korea was much poorer
than the present Philippines when they
were young. They are so sorry that there are so
many beggars and street kids. When we went to Pasangjan,
I forced my parents to take a boat because
it would fun. However, they were not happy after
taking a boat. They said that they would not take the boat
again because they were sympathized the
boatmen, for the boatmen were very poor and had a
small frame. Most of people just took a boat and enjoyed it.
But, my parents did not enjoy it because of love
for them.

My mother who has been working for Catholic Church
since I was very young told me that if we just go to
mass without changing ourselves, we are not
Catholic indeed. Faith should come with action.
She added that I have to love Filipinos and do good things
for them because all of us are same and have received a great
love from God. I want Filipinos to love their
neighborhood and country as much as they love God
so that the Philippines will be well off.

I am sure that love is the keyword, which Filipinos
should remember. We cannot change the sinful structure at once.
It should start from person. Love must start in everybody,
in a s mall scale and have to grow. A lot of
things happen if we open up to love. Let's put away
our prejudices and look at our worries with our new eyes.

I discover that every person is worthy to be
loved. Trust in love, because it makes changes possible.
Love changes you and me. It changes people, contexts and
relationships. It changes the world. Please love your
neighborhood and country.

Jesus Christ said that whatever we do to others we
do to Him. In the Philippines , there is God for people who
are abused and abandoned. There is God who is crying for love.
If you have a child, teach them how to love the Philippines .
Teach them why they have to love their neighborhood and country.
You already know that God also will be very happy if you love others.

That's all I really want to ask you Filipinos.

One day....

One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the
express purpose of showing him how poor people live.

They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.

On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"

"It was great, Dad."

"Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked.

"Oh yeah," said the son.

"So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.

The son answered:

"I saw that we have one dog and they had four.

We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end.

We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night.

Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.

We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight.

We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.

We buy our food, but they grow theirs.

We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them."

The boy's father was speechless.

Then his son added, "Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are."

Isn't perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!

Pass this on to friends and acquaintances and help them refresh their perspective and appreciation.

"Life is too short and friends are too few."
"A Smile happens fast but its memory may last forever."

Facts....

Q: What is the shortest chapter in the Bible?
A: Psalms 117

Q: What is the longest chapter in the Bible?
A: Psalms 119

Q: Which chapter is in the center of the Bible?
A: Psalms 118

Fact: There are 594 chapters before Psalms 118
Fact: There are 594 chapters after Psalms 118
Add these numbers up and you get 1188.

Q: What is the center verse in the Bible?
A: Psalms 118:8

Q: Does this verse say something significant about God's perfect will for our lives?

The next time someone says they would like to find
God's perfect will for their lives and that they want to
be in the center of His will, just send them to the
center of His Word!

Psalms 118:8
"It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man."
Now isn't that odd how this worked out (or was God in the center of it)?

One Eyed Mom

My mom only had one eye.
i hated her... she was such an
embarrassment. .
my mom ran a small shop at a flea market.
she collected little weeds and such to
sell...
anything for the money we needed
she was such an embarrassment.
there was this one day during elementary
school..
it was field day, and my mom came.
i was so embarrassed. how could she do
this to
me? i threw her a hateful look and ran out.

the next day at school...
"your mom only has one eye?!?!" ..and
they
taunted me.
i wished that my mom would just
disappear from
this world
so i said to my mom,
"mom.. why dont you have the other eye?!
if you're only gonna make me a
laughingstock,
why dont you just die?!!!"
my mom did not respond..
i guess i felt a little bad, but at the same
time, it
felt good to think that i had said what i'd
wanted to
say all this time..
maybe it was because my mom hadnt
punished
me,
but i didnt think that i had hurt her
feelings very
badly.

that night...
i woke up, and went to the kitchen to get
a glass
of water.
my mom was crying there, so quietly, as if
she
was afraid that she might wake me.
i took a look at her, then turned away.
because of the thing i had said to her
earlier, there
was something pinching at me in the
corner of my
heart.
even so, i hated my mother who was
crying out of
her one eye. so i told myself that i would
grow up
and become successful.
cause i hated my one-eyed mom and our
desperate poverty..

then i studied real hard.
i left my mother and came to Seoul and
studied,
and got accepted in the Seoul University
with all
the confidence i had.

then, i got married.
i bought a house of my own.
then i had kids, too..
now i'm living happily as a successful
man.
i like it here because it's a place that
doesnt
remind me of my mom.

this happiness was getting bigger and
bigger,
when..

what?!
who's this?!
...it was my mother...
..still with her one eye.
it felt as if the whole sky was falling apart
on me.
my little girl ran away, scared of my
mom's eye.
and i asked her,

"who are you?!"
"i dont know you!!!" as if trying to make
that real. i
screamed at her," how dare you come to
my
house and scare my daughter!"

"GET OUT OF HERE! NOW!!!"

and to this, my mother quietly answered,
"oh, i'm so sorry. i may have gotten the
wrong
address,"
and she disappeared out of sight.

thank good ness... she doesnt recognize
me..
i was quite relieved.

i told myself that i wasnt going to care, or
think
about this for the rest of my life.
then a wave of relief came upon me...

one day, a letter regarding a school
reunion came
to my house. so, lying to my wife that i
was going
on a business trip, i went.
after the reunion, i went down to the old
shack,
that i used to call a house...just out of
curiosity

there, i found my mother fallen on the
cold ground.
but i did not shed a single tear.
she had a piece of paper in her hand.... it
was a
letter to me.

my son...
i think my life has been long enough now..

and... i wont visit Seoul anymore...
but would it be too much to ask if i
wanted you to
come visit me once in a while?
i miss you so much.. and i was so glad
when i
heard you were coming for the reunion.
but i decided not to go to the school.
...for you...
and i'm sorry that i only have one eye,
and i was
an embarrassment for you.

you see, when you were very little, you
got into
an
accident, and lost your eye. as a mom, i
couldnt
stand watching you having to grow up
with only
one eye... so i gave you mine...
i was so proud of my son that was seeing a
whole
new world for me, in my place, with that
eye. i
was
never upset at you for anything you did..
the
couple times that you were angry with
me,.. i
thought to myself, 'it's because he loves
me..'

my son... oh, my son...

Now, if you love your mother, email it to
others so they will realize the value of
their Mother.

"treat everybody with politeness, even those who are rude to you. for remember that you show courtesy to others not because they are gentleman, but because you are one."

An 80 year old man...

An 80 year old man was sitting on the sofa in his house along with his 45 years old highly educated son. Suddenly a crow perched on their window.
The Father asked his Son, "What is this?"
The Son replied "It is a crow".
After a few minutes, the Father asked his Son the 2nd time, "What is this?"
The Son said "Father, I have just now told you "It's a crow".
After a little while, the old Father again asked his Son the 3rd time,
What is this?"
At this time some expression of irritation was felt in the Son's tone when he said to his Father with a rebuff. "It's a crow, a crow".
A little after, the Father again asked his Son t he 4th time, "What is this?"
This time the Son shouted at his Father, "Why do you keep asking me the same question again and again, although I have told you so many times 'IT IS A CROW'. Are you not able to understand this?"
A little later the Father went to his room and came back with an old tattered diary, which he had maintained since his Son was born. On opening a page, he asked his Son to read that page. When the son read it, the following words were written in the diary :-
"Today my little son aged three was sitting with me on the sofa, when a crow was sitting on the window. My Son asked me 23 times what it was, and I replied to him all 23 times that it was a Crow. I hugged him lovingly each time h e asked me the same question again and again for 23 times. I did not at all feel irritated I rather felt affection for my innocent child".
While the little child asked him 23 times "What is this", the Father had felt no irritation in replying to the same question all 23 times and when today the Father asked his Son the same question just 4 times, the Son felt irritated and annoyed.
So..
If your parents attain old age, do not repulse them or look at them as a burden, but speak to them a gracious word, be cool, obedient, humble and kind to them. Be considerate to your parents. From today say this aloud, "I want to see my parents happy forever. They have cared for me ever since I was a little child. They have always showered their selfless love on me.
They crossed all mountains and valleys without seeing the storm and heat to make me a person presentable in the society today".
Say a prayer to God, "I will serve my old parents in the BEST way. I will say all good and kind words to my dear parents, no matter how they behave.
Thanks for spending ur time on reading this story……

Joke again...

Bitoy: Dagul, bakit ang pandak mo?
Dagul: Kasi, bata pa lang ako, ulila na ako.
Bitoy: Anong kaugnayan nun sa pagiging pandak mo?
Dagul: Sira pala ulo mo! Wala ngang nagpalaki sa akin!

Mr: kung marunong ka lang sanang maglaba, eh di
nka2tipid sana tayo ng 2000 sa maid.
Mrs: hmmph!! kung ikaw mgling sa kama , eh di nakatipid tayo ng 7500 sa
driver!

Doc: kambal anak mo. sister mo nagbigay ng names
Ina: eh tanga un doc, ano pinangalan sa mga anak ko?
Doc: sa girl, DENICE.
Ina: aba, ok un! eh sa boy?
Doc: DENEPHEW..

Son: Ma, bakit kayo tumatalbog sa ibabaw ni daddy??
Mom: Wala anak, pinapaliit ko lang tiyan ng Daddy mo.
Son: Nye! Mapapagod ka lang kasi hinihipan din uli yan ni yaya!

A black baby was given a pair of wings by a fairy....
Baby: does this mean im an angel??
Fairy laughs....
Fairy: Of course not! negrang 'to, ambisyosa! Paniki
ka!

doc: iho, bakit mu naman sinapak ung lalaki kanina?
Boy: e doc, nakita niya na ninenerbyos ako ako sa
resulta ng AIDS test! tapos sasabihin pa niya...
THINK POSITIVE pare!

In a petshop...
Customer (talking to a parrot): "Hoy! can you speak
ha? can you speak? BOBO!'....
Parrot: "Yes, I can! Ikaw? Can you fly, ha? Can you
fly? GAGO!"

Bigo sa pag-ibig??
Maghanap na lng ng....
KUBA - mapagkumbaba
PILAY - di ka tatakbuhan
BULAG - la paki sa looks
PIPI - di nagbibitiw ng bad words.
at eto the best....
DULING - di ka hahayaan mag-isa!

Magkaibigan kumakain...
Pedro: Anong palaman ng tinapay mo?
Juan: Kiso!
Pedro: Kiso? Ano ka ba nakakahiya ka! Hindi yan kiso! Chess yan.. CHESS!!

Anong tawag sa uod na nasa gitna ng kalsada??.....e di
matapang!!

Baliw1: bakit ang airplane, pag umiikot ang elisi,
umaangat sa lupa?? bakit ung bintilador kahit umiikot,
nasa mesa pa rin??
Baliw2: Tanga ka pala e! kasi ung bintilador may
kurdon, pinipigilan yon!

Pari: Sister, ikaw ba ang nasa CR? Kunin ko lang
toothbrush ko.
Sister: Sandali, naka-panty lang ako.
Pari: Ok, antay ako.
Sister: pasok na. wala na ako panty!

3 Baliw sa Mental nagku2wentuhan. .
B1: ako presidente dito!
B2: wala ka sa akin! ako si bush, presidente sa
america !
B1: cno nagsabi?
B2: Ang Diyos!
B3: At kelan kita sinabihan??

Prof: who among u experienced having sex with a
ghost??
Juan raised his hand...
Prof: Really?? how does it feel to have sex with a
Ghost?
Juan: Ay pucha! Akala ko goats!!

Q: Bakit tahimik magbukas ng medicine ang tanga??.....
A: Ayaw niyang magising ang mga sleeping pills..
Nyahaha!!

Erap writing on a slumbook...
Favorite actor:
Arnold
Schawrze.. (erase)
Schaw.. (erase)
Swarzen.. (erase)
Washen.. (erase)
Swachen..(erase)
Arnold Clavio..

Eustress and Distress....

Eustress is positive stress. Ito ang nararamdaman ng isang dalaga
kapag dumarating na ang kanyang manliligaw at may daladalang flowers.

Eustress din ang tawag sa stress na nararanasan ng mga nagwo- work-out
when they are doing their exercises.
Ang mga athletes, pagkatapos na ma-stress ang kanilang muscles,
they rest para ma-repair ang kanilang muscles.
Kapag hindi sila nagpahinga, the stressed muscles will be injured.
When injury happens, yan ang distress.
Distress is the negative side of stress.
Nakakaramdam ka na ng sakit ng ulo, pagsakit ng tiyan,
hindi na makatulog, di pa makakain.
Distress ang uri ng stress na nagreresulta sa kung ano-anong sakit
tulad ng hypertension, minsan nga ay emotional breakdown pa.
Ano ba ang pwede nating gawin para ang stress natin ay hindi maging distress? Famous author and inspirational speaker,
Dr. John Maxwell has the following suggestions:
Don't be overly sensitive to criticism.
Tanggapin na natin ang katotohanang hindi natin kayang i-please ang lahat ng tao.
Talagang mayroong hindi aayon sa iyo kahit na napaka-noble
ng iyong mga intentions and motives.
So when you receive criticisms, take it constructively kung sensible ang criticism.
If you think the criticism is not objective, huwag na lang pansinin at ng hindi ka ma-distress.
Don't take too much pride in your achievements.
Ang pride ay parang uling, ginagatungan niyan ang distress.
Ang taong proud ay mas lalong nadi-distress dahil masyado niyang iniingatan
ang kanyang achievement at accomplishment.
Minsan nga our achievements hinder us from growing and learning
kasi sinasabi natin sa ating sarili, aba may na-accomplish na ko.
Mas mahusay ako kaysa sa iba, hindi na nila ko pwedeng turuan.
Ang lungkot ng buhay kapag naging ganyan ang attitude natin.
Don't harbor jealousy over the achievement of others.
Ang taong mainggitin madalas ding madistress,
kasi nga totoo namang mayroong mas higit kaysa sa atin.
Natural ang iba ay maaaring magkaroon ng achievements na wala tayo di ba.
Instead of being jealous or envious,
let's learn to rejoice in the successes of others.
Malay mo malibre ka pa bogchi dahil nakikigalak ka sa kanilang tagumpay, di ba?
Don't focus on your weaknesses and inadequacies.
Ang sugat kapag mas lalo mong ginalaw mas lalong lalala at baka maimpeksyon.
The more you focus on your weaknesses and inadequacies
the bigger the tendency of wallowing in self-pity.
While it is important to acknowledge your inadequacies,
it is helpful to focus on your strengths and capabilities.
One effective way of fighting distress is by counting our blessings -
the good things which life brings.
When we have grateful hearts,
we will always be reminded that we are too blessed to be stressed!
Someone wrote that
"The shortest distance between a problem and a solution is the distance between your knees and the floor.
The one who kneels to the Lord can stand up to anything."

read till the end, hehehe.

IBANG POSISYON:
Husband: Shall we try a different position tonight?
Wife: Thats a good idea dear!... doon ka sa may plantsahan at ako naman ang uupo sa sofa at manoood ng tv.

PINOY INGENUITY?
A Filipino doctor has introduced the use of a device that enlarges a man's sex organ by up to 5 times with no side effects. It is called a magnifiying glass.

VIBRATING CELLPHONE:
Mrs: Bilis! Nahulog cellphone ko sa loob ng panty ko, "nagbavibrate."
Mr: E, anong gagawin ko? Dudukutin ko ba sa loob ng panty mo?
Mrs: Gago! Kunin mo yung charger, baka ma-low batt!

REGALO:
Mare: Di yata nagustuhan ni Pare ang birthday gift mo, ah...
Mrs: Oo nga, 7 months na, di pa rin ginagamit.
Mare: Bakit, ano ba regalo mo sa kanya?
Mrs: Memorial Plan.

KRIMINAL:
KRIMINAL 1: "Pare, sigurado ka bang dito dadaan yung papatayin natin?"
KRIMINAL 2: "Oo, nagtataka nga ako, 1 oras na tayo dito, wala parin siya! Sana naman walang nangyarin! g masama sa kanya...


TUTPIK:
Kustomer: Ano ba naman itong tutpik nyo, iisa na nga lang, ang dali pang mabali!
Waiter (inis): Alam nyo, sir, ang dami nang gumamit nyan, pero kayo lang nakabali!

CONFIDENT VS CONFIDENTIAL:
Anak: Itay, ano ang kaibahan ng confident sa confidential?
Itay: Anak kita, CONFIDENT ako dyan. Yung bespren mong si Tikboy, anak ko rin, CONFIDENTIAL yan.

FIRST LOVE NEVER DIES:
Anak: Inay, totoo ba na "First love never dies"?
Nanay: Aba, oo. Tignan mo yang tatay mo, hangga ngayon, buhay pa ang animal!

SUKO SA MISTER:
Mrs 1: Suko na ak o sa mister ko, lagi na lang ako binubugbog bago
niroromansa...
Mrs 2: Mas grabe yung mister ko. Binubugbog ako tapos si Inday ang
niroromansa.

PARI AT MADRE:
Pari: Sister, ikaw ba ang nasa CR? Kukunin ko lang toothbrush ko..
Sister: Sandali, naka-panty lang ako.
Pari: Ok, antay ako.
Sister: Pasok na, wala na akong panty!

ESTUDYANTE:
Bugaw: Sir, Chicks P1,500, estudiante!
Man: Ganun ba? Hanapan mo ako ng mga P1,000 lang pero mas magaling pa sa estudiante.
Bugaw: Meron din, sir. Ang PRINCIPAL, okey yun!

AFTER THE WEDDING:
Husband: Sinungaling ka, sabi mo virgin ka! Bakit kagabi maluwag na!
Wife: Ulol ka! Dahil lasing ka, katabi mo kagabi si mama!

PAMBOBOSO:
Anak: Inay, sinisilip ng kaklase ko 'yung panty ko!
Inay: Bastos 'yun ah! Ano'ng ginawa mo?
Anak: Hinubad ko at itinago ko 'yung panty, para 'di nya makita!

PROMOTION:
Judge: Ikaw na naman! Sampung taon ka nang humaharap sa korte ko ah!
Swindler: Your Honor, di ko kasalanan kung hindi po kayo ma-promote.

AMPON:
Anak: 'Nay, tinutukso po ako ng kalaro ko na anak ako sa labas!
Nanay: Hindi totoo 'yan, anak. Ang sabihin mo sa kanila, ampon ka!

ANG SULAT:
Patient: Dok, malungkot dito sa mental kaya naisipan kong sulatan ang
sarili ko...
Doc: E ano naman ang laman ng sulat mo?
Patient: Di ko pa po alam kasi next wik ko pa ata matatangap...

LIIT NAMAN:
Wife: Honey... bili mo naman ako ng bra...
Husband: Hon.. wag ka nang magbra...liit naman dede mo e..
Wife: E ba't ikaw, naka-brief!?

DOWNY:
GIRL: Ang puti naman ng bird mo...
BOY: Aba, syempre ah! Likas papaya ata gamit ko diyan!
GIRL: Ginagamitan m o rin ba ng Downy?
BOY: Baket? Bango ba?
GIRL: Lambot eh!!!

HIDE AND SEEK:
GIRL: Hide and seek tayo. If you find me, papayag akong makipag-sex sa 'yo...
BOY: Eh, kung di kita makita?
GIRL: Nasa likod lang ako ng piano...

MADRE:
dalawang madre nirereyp ng goons....
Madre 1: Jusko, patawarin mo po sila...hindi nila nalalaman ang kanilang ginagawa!
Madre2: Ay, yung sa akin marunong!!!!

RAPE SUSPEK:
ATTY: Inday, pwede mo bang idiskrayb dito sa korte ang taong nangreype sa 'yo?
INDAY: Maitim, panot, tagyawatin, pango ilong, at bungal...
SUSPEK: Sige!...mang-asar ka pa!!!!

tawa lng muna ng konti ! ! !

Ifugao: Apply po ako ng sundalo, sir.

Officer: Hindi ka pwede, ang dami mong sirang ngipin, bungi ka pa!

Ifugao: Bakit sir, sa gyera ba ngayon, kagatan na ang labanan?
************************************************************************

A lizard fell on a table.

Genius: Oh! reptila scincidae;

Kikay: Eew, lizard!;

Astig: Shit, butiki!;

Mataray: Shucks, butiks!;

Mayaman: Yuck! Lacoste!;

Mahirap: Pare, ulam!

************************************************************************
Pedro: Saan ka galing, p're?

Berto: Sementeryo, libing ng byenan ko.

Pedro: Bakit puro kalmot ang mukha at braso mo?

Berto: Mahirap ilibing eh, lumalaban!

************************************************************************
Bakit "S" ang nasa costume ni Superman? Wala na kasing medium! Napansin mo,
fit masyado, di ba?
************************************************************************
Mother superior: Hala, layas dito sa kumbento!

Madre: Bakit po? Dahil po ba sa paggamit ko ng vibrator?

Mother superior: Hindi, ayoko lang may nakikiaalam sa gamit ko!

************************************************************************
Nanay: Hala, sige, layas! Huwag ka nang bumalik dito sa bahay! Simula

ngayon, huwag mo na akong tawaging nanay at hindi na rin kita tatawaging

anak, naintindihan mo?

Anak: Sige dude, alis na ako.

************************************************************************
Boy: Kukunin ko ang mga bituin at ibibigay ko sa iyo!

Girl: Shut up! Hindi mo nga makuha yang kulangot mo, bituin pa!

Boy: Ay sorry, hindi ko alam na ito pala ang gusto mo!

************************************************************************
Ice cream ba talaga yung inendorse in Pacquiao sa TV ad nya na Nestle Ice

Cream? Akala ko kasi, softdrinks. Kasi, sabi nya, "Oh mga bata, Mirinda na!"

************************************************************************
A priest at a church.

Lady: Father, ang gwapo at cute mo naman! Bakit ka pa kasi nagpari?

Priest: Dahil ayaw pumayag ng magulang ko na magmadre ako! Bruha!

************************************************************************
Pedro: Alam mo, yung pusa namin, kahit nakalagay sa lamesa at walang takip

ang ulam namin, hindi kinakain!

Juan: Maniwala ako?!

Pedro: Totoo!

Juan: Ano ba ang ulam nyo?

Pedro: Asin!

************************************************************************
Nurse: Miss, gising na!

Patient: Ah, bakit?

Nurse: Oras na ng pag-inom ng gamot.

Patient: Anong gamot?

Nurse: Sleeping pills.

************************************************************************
Boy Guwapo + Girl Ganda = Perfect Couple.

Boy Guwapo + Girl Panget = True Love.

Boy Panget + Girl Ganda = Galing Diskarte.

Boy Panget + Girl Panget = SUKOB!

************************************************************************
Ama: Bakit ka umiiyak?

Anak: Pumasa po kasi ako sa test. Huhuhu!

Ama: Aba , magaling! Anong subject yun, anak?

Anak: Pregnancy test po itay!

*************************************************************************
Erap at Starbucks.

Erap: Waiter, isang kape nga!

Waiter: Sir, decaf ho ba?

Erap: Syempre! Bobo! Lahat ng kape, de cup!

Bakit, may nakaplato ba?!

************************************************************************
Sa prusisyon.

Pari: Ang mga boys, sunod sa karo ni San Jose , mga girls, sa karo ni

Mama

Mary. Bakla: Kami father, saan kami susunod?

Pari: Mga bruha! Follow me!

************************************************************************
Pedro: Ang tapang talaga ni Paeng! Biro mo, tumalon sa eroplano nang walang parachute!

Leo: Ohh, totoo? Saan mo naman nabalitaan yan?

Pedro: Dun sa burol nya!

************************************************************************
Anak: Inay, ang galing ng titser ko.

Inay: Bakit naman?

Anak: Tinuruan kami ng kagandahang asal.

Nanay: Eh di marunong ka nang gumalang at magpo at opo?

Anak: Natural! Tanga ka ba?

************************************************************************

Use "Bampira" in a sentence! Ahmm, Dodong. Pautang naman, meron ka bampira?!

************************************************************************

TUKMOL: Sino sa inyo ang matapang? Lumabas!

SIGA: Ako, matapang ako, bakit may problema ka?

TUKMOL: Wala po, survey lang ho. Ngayon, yung duwag naman ang lumabas!

************************************************************************

Anak: Ma, hingi sana ako ng P50.

Nanay: P40? Ang laki naman ng P30! Anong gagawin mo sa P20? Akala mo

madaling kumita ng P10? O, eto P5.
************************************************************************
Boy1: Bakit mo ako sinuntok?

Boy2: Tinawag mo akong hipopotamus!

Boy1: Last year pa yon! Tarantado!

Boy2: Eh kanina ko lang nakita picture ng hippopotamus, bobo!

************************************************************************
May kwento ako tungkol sa lovelife ng ampalaya. Huwag na lang! Masyadong mapait!
************************************************************************
Grabe! Biruin mo, 150,000 pesos daw, hot oil lang! 150,000 pesos ang

rebonding! Sobra naman yang David's Salon na yan! - Rapunzel.

************************************************************************

Hindi makapagtimpla ng juice si Inday. Tahimik lang syang nakatitig sa bote

ng juice. Dahil nakasulat: Concentrate.

************************************************************************
Intsik: Bili kayo panty. Kapag sinuot ito, hindi kayo mabubuntis.

Babae: Bigyan mo ako ng tatlo. 3 months later, galit si babae: Bakit ako nabuntis?

Intsik: Baka hinubad mo!
************************************************************************
GF: Hayop ka, niloloko mo ako!

BF: Bakit, wala naman akong ginagawa ah!

GF: Anong wala? Nakita kita kanina, may kasama kang ibang babae,

magkahawak pa kamay nyo! Niloloko mo ako!

BF: Makinig ka muna... hindi kita niloloko, maniwala ka... Yung kasama ko
kanina ang niloloko ko!

THE BETTER SIDE OF THE PHILIPPINES

The following was written by INTEL General Manager Robin Martin about the Philippines :

Filipinos (including the press, business people and myself) tend to dwell too much on the negative side, and this affects the perception of foreigners, even the ones who have lived here for a while. The negative perception of the Philippines is way disproportionate to reality when compared to countries like Colombia , Egypt , Middle East, Africa , etc.

Let us all help our country by balancing the negative with the positive especially when we talk to foreigners, whether based here or abroad.Looking back and comparing the Philippines today and 1995 (the year I came back), I was struck by how much our country has progressed physically.

Consider the following:

1. The great telecom infrastructure that we have now did not exist in 1995. 1995 was the year the telecom industry was deregulated. Since then billions of dollars have been invested in both fixed line and cellular networks producing a system with over 5,000 kms of fiber optic backbone at a world competitive cost. From a fixed line capacity of about 900,000 in 1995 we now have over 7 million. Cellular phones practically did not exist in 1995; now we have over 11 million line capacity.

2. The MRT, many of the EDSA flyovers (including the Ayala Avenue flyover), the SKYWAY, Rockwell and Glorietta 4, the Fort, NAIA terminal 2 and most of the new skyscrapers were not yet built in 1995.

3. If you drive to the provinces, you will notice that national roads are now of good quality (international quality asphalt roads). I just went to Iba, Zambales last week and I was impressed that even a not so frequently travelled road was of very good quality.

4. Philippine exports have increased by 600% over the past eight years. There are many, many more examples of progress over the last eight years. Philippine mangoes are now exported to the US and Europe .

Additional tidbits to make our people prouder:

1. INTEL has been in the Philippines for 28 years. The Philippines plant is where Intel's most advanced products are launched, including the Pentium IV. By the end of 2002, Philippine operations became Intel's biggest assembly and testing operations worldwide.

2. TEXAS INSTRUMENTS has been operating in Baguio for over 20 years. The Baguio plant is the largest producer of DSP chips in the world. DSP chips are the brains behind cellphones. TI's Baguio plant produces the chip that powers 100% of all NOKIA cellphones and 80% of Erickson cellphones in the world.

3. TOSHIBA laptops are produced in Santa Rosa , Laguna.

4. If you drive a BENZ, BMW, or a VOLVO, there is a good chance that the ABS system in your car was made in the Philippines .

5. TREND-MICRO, makers of one of the top anti virus software PC-Cillin (I may have mispelled this) develops its "cures" for viruses right here in Eastwood Libis, Quezon City . When a virus breaks in any computer system in the world, they try to find a solution within 45 minutes of finding the virus.

6 . Today a majority of the top ten U.S. Call Center firms in the U.S. have set up operations in the Philippines . This is one area in which I believe we are the best in the world in terms of value for money.

7. America Online (AOL) has 1,000 people in Clark answering 90% of AOL's global e-mail inquiries.

8. PROCTOR & GAMBLE has over 400 people right here in Makati (average age 23 years) doing back-up office work to their Asian operations including finance, accounting, Human Resources and payments processing.

9. Among many other things it does for its regional operations network in the Asia-Pacific region here in Manila , CITIBANK also does its global ATM programming locally.

10. This is the first year ever that the Philippines will be exporting cars in quantity courtesy of FORD Philippines. (I have an idea this article was written between 2001 - 2002, so this operation should have been on-going for the last 3 years or so. CYN)

11. The government is shedding off graft and corruption slowly but surely. This is the first time in our history that a former president is in jail and facing charges of plunder. Despite all odds, we are still pursuing the ill-gotten wealth of Marcos now enjoyed by his unrepentant heirs.

Next time you travel abroad and meet business associates tell them the good news. A big part of our problem is perception and one of the biggest battles can be won simply by believing and by making others believe. This message is shared by good citizens of the Philippines who persevere to hope and work for our country.

Subject: Rick Warren interview -

You will enjoy the new insights that Rick Warren has,
with his wife now having cancer and him having
"wealth" from the book sales.

This is an absolutely incredible short interview with
Rick Warren, "Purpose Driven Life " author and pastor
of Saddleback Church in California .

In the interview by Paul Bradshaw with Rick Warren,
Rick sa id:

People ask me, "What is the purpose of life?" And I
respond: "In a nutshell, life is preparation for
eternity. We were made to last forever, and God wants
us to be with Him in Heaven.

One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be
the end of my body-- but not the end of me. I may live
60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend
trillions of years in eternity. This is the warm-up
act - the dress rehearsal.

God wants us to practice on earth what we will do
forever in eternity. We were made by God and for God,
and until you figure that out, life isn't going to
make sense.

Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one
now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting
ready to go into another one.

The reason for this is that God is more interested in
your character than your comfort. God is more
interested in making your life holy than He is in
making your life happy.

We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's
not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in
character, in Christ likeness.

This past year has been the greatest year of my life
but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting
cancer.

I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you
go through a dark time, then you go to the
mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that
anymore. Rather than life being hills and valleys, I
believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad
track, and at all times you have something good and
something bad in your life.

No matter how good things are in your life, there is
always something bad that needs to be worked on. And
no matter how bad things are in your life, there is a
always something good you can thank God for.

You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on
your problems. If you focus on your problems, you're
going into self-centeredness, which is "My problem, my
issues, my pain."

But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to
get your focus off yourself and onto God and others.

We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of
hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to
heal Kay or make it easy for her. It has been very
difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her
character, given her a ministry of helping other
people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him
and to people.

You have to learn to deal with both the good and the
bad of life. Actually, sometimes learning to deal with
the good is harder. For instance, this past year, all
of a sudden, when the book sold 15 million copies, it
made me instantly very wealthy. It also brought a lot
of notoriety that I had never had to deal with before.
I don't think God gives you money or notoriety for
your own ego or for you to live a life of ease.

So I began to ask God what He wanted me to do with
this money, notoriety and influence. He gave me two
different passages that helped me decide what to do,
II Corinthians 9 and Psalm 72.

First, in spite of all the money coming in, we would
not change our lifestyle one bit. We made no major
purchases.

Second, about midway through last year, I stopped
taking a salary from the church.

Third, we set up foundations to fund an initiative we
call The Peace Plan to plant churches, equip leaders,
assist the poor, care for the sick, and educate the
next generation.

Fourth, I added up all that the church had paid me in
the 24 years since I started the church, and I gave it
all back. It was liberating to be able to serve God
for free.

We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for
possessions? Popularity? Am I going to be driven by
pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism? Or am I
going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)?

When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my
bed and say, "God, if I don't get anything else done
today, I want to know You more and love You better."
God didn't put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do
list. He's more interested in what I am than what I
do. That's why we're called human beings, not human
doings.

Happy moments, PRAISE GOD. Difficult moments, SEEK
GOD. Quiet moments, WORSHIP GOD. Painful moments,
TRUST GOD. Every moment, THANK GOD.

Very important information.

Do you know that there is an expiry date (physical life) for LPG cylinders?
Most of us do not know this.
Expired Cylinders are not safe for use and may cause accidents.
In this regard please be cautious at the time of accepting any LPG cylinder from the vendor.

Here is how we can check the expiry of LPG cylinders:
On one of three side stems of the cylinder,
the expiry date is coded alpha numerically as follows
A or B or C or D and some two digit number following this e.g. D06.

The alphabets stand for quarters -

A for March (First Qtr),
B for June (Second Qtr),
C for Sept (Third Qtr), &
D for December (Fourth Qtr).

The digits stand for the year till it is valid. Hence D06 would mean Fourth Qtr (December) of 2006.

Check & Share this message with everyone you know if it is helpful to you,

UR kind cooperation will save life of many people and create awareness among the public.

Lessons on Life

There was a man who had four sons. He wanted his sons to learn not to judge
things too quickly. So he sent them each on a quest, in turn, to go and look
at a pear tree that was a great distance away.

The first son went in the winter, the second in the spring, the third in
summer, and the youngest son in the fall.

When they had all gone and come back, he called them together to describe
what they had seen.
The first son said that the tree was ugly, bent, and twisted.
The second son said no it was covered with green buds and full of promise.

The third son disagreed; he said it was laden with blossoms that smelled so
sweet and looked so beautiful, it was the most graceful thing he had ever seen.

The last son disagreed with all of them; he said it was ripe and drooping
with fruit, full of life and fulfillment.

The man then explained to his sons that they were all right, because they
had each seen but only one season in the tree's life.

He told them that you cannot judge a tree, or a person, by only one season,
and that the essence of who they are and the pleasure, joy, and love that come
from that life can only be measured at the end, when all the seasons are up.

If you give up when it's winter, you will miss the promise of your spring,
the beauty of your summer, fulfillment of your fall.


Moral lessons:

Don't let the pain of one season destroy the joy of all the rest.

Don't judge life by one difficult season.
Persevere through the difficult patches and better times are sure to come some time or later

VERY INTERESTING- IRAQ...

1. The Garden of Eden was in Iraq

2. Mesopotamia, which is now Iraq , was the cradle of civilization!

3. Noah built the ark in Iraq

4. The Tower of Babel was in Iraq

5. Abraham was from Ur, which is in Southern Iraq !

6. Isaac's wife Rebekah is from Nahor, which is in Iraq !

7. Jacob met Rachel in Iraq

8. Jonah preached in Nineveh - which is in Iraq

9. Assyria, which is in Iraq, conquered the ten tribes of Israel

10. Amos cried out in Iraq !

11 Babylon , which is in Iraq , destroyed Jerusalem

12. Daniel was in the lion's den in Iraq !

13. The three Hebrew children were in the fire in Iraq (Jesus had been in Iraq also as the fourth person in the Fiery Furnace!)

14. Belshazzar, the King of Babylon saw the "writing on the wall" in Iraq

15. Nebuchadnezzar, King of Babylon, carried the Jews captive into Iraq

16. Ezekiel preached in Iraq ..

17 The wise men were from Iraq ...

18. Peter preached in Iraq ..

19. The "Empire of Man" described in Revelation is called Babylon , which was a city in Iraq !

And you have probably seen this one: Israel is the nation most often mentioned in the Bible
But do you know which nation is second?
It is Iraq !
However, that is not the name that is used in the Bible.



The names used in the Bible are Babylon , Land of Shinar , and Mesopotamia ... The word Mesopotamia means between the two rivers, more exactly between the Tigris
And Euphrates Rivers ...



The name Iraq , means country with deep roots.

Indeed Iraq is a country with deep roots and is a very significant country in the Bible.

No other nation, except Israel , has more history and prophecy associated
With it than Iraq

And also, This is something to think about: Since America is typically represented by an eagle.



Saddam should have read up on his Muslim passages ...

The following verse is from the Koran, (the Islamic Bible)

Koran ( 9:11 ) - For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle.. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced; for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah;
And there was peace.

Dear Lord

Dear Lord, I thank You for this day. I thank You for my being able to see and to hear this morning. I'm blessed because You are a forgiving God and an understanding God. You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me. Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought that was not pleasing to You. I ask now for Your forgiveness. Please keep me safe from all danger and harm. Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude. Let me make the best of each and every day to clear my mind so that I can hear from you. Please broaden my mind that I can accept all things. Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over. And it's the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits. I know that when I can't pray, You listen to my heart. Continue to use me to do Your will. Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong that I may help the weak... Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others. I pray for those that are lost and can't find their way. I pray for those that are misjudged and misunderstood. I pray for those who don't know You intimately. I pray for those that will delete this without sharing it with others. I pray for those that don't believe. But I thank you that I believe. I believe that God changes people and God changes things. I pray for all my sisters and brothers. For each and every family member in their households, I pray for peace, love and joy in their homes that they are out of debt and all their needs are met. I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God. Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight. I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees it. God, I love you and I need you, Amen

7 dont's after a meal

* Don't smoke- Experiment from experts proves that smoking a cigarette after meal is comparable to smoking 10 cigarettes (chances of cancer is higher).


* Don't eat fruits immediately - Immediately eating fruits after meals will cause stomach to be bloated with air. Therefore take fruit 1-2 hr after meal or 1hr before meal.

* Don't drink tea - Because tea leaves contain a high content of acid. This substance will cause the Protein content in the food we consume to be hardened thus difficult to digest.

* Don't loosen your belt - Loosening the belt after a meal will easily cause the intestine to be twisted & blocked.

* Don't bathe - Bathing will cause the increase of blood flow to the hands, legs & body thus the amount of blood around the stomach will therefore decrease. This will weaken the digestive system in your stomach.
* Don't walk about - People always say that after a meal walk a hundred steps and you will live till 99. In actual fact this is not true. Walking will cause the digestive system to! be unable to absorb the nutrition from the food we intake.

* Don't sleep immediately - The food we intake will not be able to digest properly. Thus will lead to gastric & infection in our intestine.

joke jok jo....

Street Vendor : "bili na kayo ng relo! gold watch
ito!
pag namuti, white gold!
pag huminto stopwatch!"

gf : hu hu hu hu bakit natin ginawa ito? hindi na
ako virgin at dalawang beses pa natin ginawa!
bf : ano? isa lang ah?!
gf : bakit, hindi na ba natin uulitin mamaya?!

Couple talking:
wife : hon, paki fix naman ilaw sa labas.
husband : hello!? electrician ba ako?
wife : eh di pkigawa na lang hagdan natin.
husband : hello!? karpintero ba ako?
umalis c husband, pagbalik gawa na lahat ng sira sa
bahay. tinanong niya wife kung sino gumawa ng
trabaho.
wife : kasi kanina a man saw me crying, sabi ko dami
sira dito sa bahay. so he offered to help in exhange
of either sex or bake
ako ng cake.
husband : so pnag-bake mo siya ng cake?
wife : hello?! baker ba ako?!

ANG MARRIED LIFE....
May isang intsik na sa sobrang hilig sa karaoke ay
inabot ng 5 am.
Dahil sa takot mabugbog ni misis, nag-text ng:
"HUWAG KA BAYAD RANSOM. NAKATAKAS AKO. UWI NA KO!"

Husband: "Paratina lang tayo away! Maghiwalay na
lang tayo!"
Wife: "Sige, maghati tayo ng mga anak!"
Husband: "Akin ang mga guwapo at maganda!"
Wife: "Sus! Pinili pa yung hindi kanya!"

Sa harap ng nursery window;
Friend: Pare, pag laki ng anak mo, am sure magaling
mag-drive
Dad: Bakit, pare, malaki ba ang kamay?
Friend: Hindi. Kasi kamukha siya ng driver ninyo!

Husband came home from church, suddenly lifted his
wife and carried her.
Wife: Why? Did the Pastor tell you to be romantic
like this?
Husband: No! He told me to carry my cross!

Friend: "Wow, pare, ganda ng sapatos mo, ah!"
Husband: "Oo. Surprise gift ng kumare mo!"
Friend: "Surprise? Ano occassion?"
Husband: "Wala. Nakita ko na lang sa ilalim ng kama
namin kagabi!"

Health Advisory: "Beer contains female hormones, and
can turn men into women.
After 5 pints.... men become talkative, unreasonable,
irritable, cry for nothing, and urinate while
sitting!"

WIFE: I'm warning you! Parating na husband ko in 1
hour!
HANDSOME VISITOR: Wala naman akong ginawang masama
ah?
WIFE: kaya nga! kung may balak ka, GAWIN MONA!!!

WIFE: Himala! aga mong umuwi ngayon.
HUSBAND: Sunod ko lang utos ng boss ko. Sabi nya "GO
TO HELL", kaya ito uwi agad ako..

Wife: Lab, may taning na ang buhay ko. Huling gabi
ko na to, let's make love.
Husband: Heh! tumigil ka nga. Maaga pa akong
gigising bukas, buti ikaw, hindi na.

HEHEHHE!

Population policies of countries:
China : Stop at 1 child.
Singapore : Stop at 2 children
Phil: STOP AT 4 A.M.!

RUSSIAN: we're 1st in space
USA : we're 1st in the moon
ERAP: we'll be the 1st in the sun
USA : you can't go there, you'll burn
ERAP: we're not stupid, we'll go there at NIGHT!

Ano kadalasan ang sinasabi kapag nautot?
American: Excuse me.
British: Pardon me.
Pinoy: NOT ME!


"SUMPA"
Hindi na makakatikim ng napakasarap na 'Sex' ang
huling bumasa nito!
Ayos safe na ako...papayag ka bang IKAW ang huling
babasa nito? hehehe!!!

Colonoscopy

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was
the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's
systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "because I circulate oxygen all
over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach , "because I process food and give
all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever
it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see
where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste
removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a
huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was
bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood w as toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss .

The Moral of the story?
The ass hole is usually in charge!

If you don't send this to at least three people....who gives a shit?

Dr. Whoop Answers Your Health Questions

ANSWERS TO YOUR HEALTH QUESTIONS

Q: Dr. Whoop, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer. That's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap!

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables! So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take the water out of the fruity bit, so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of part icipating in a regular exercise prog ram?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach!

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HELLO!! Cocoa beans?...another vegetable! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! Round is a shape!

Have a nice and healthy day!